Fantasy Football from The Fantasy Addicts

Mascots play an important role in sports.

Yes, they’re entertaining and usually pretty funny lookin’.

Remember what Professor Klump said to Ms. Purdy when the comedian was on stage?  “He sure is animated.”  Well that comes to mind when I see a mascot performing.  But they can also be used to predict the outcome of games.  It’s real simple.  See for yourself.

Dave Chappelle as Reggie Warrington in The Nutty Professor (1996).  “Women be shoppin’.”

WAS @ ATL…Redskin vs. Falcon.  I know what you’re thinkin’.  An Indian would kill a falcon.  But what you have failed to realize is that this is not your average healthy Indian.  He’s on Dan Snyder’s reservation; where he has become very ill and weak from smallpox (Poor management in the NFL kills teams faster than smallpox).  This will be an easy victory for the falcon; as it will gouge out the Indian’s eyes as he lay helplessly on the ground.  And then it will use it’s talons to rip off his testicles.  Sounds pretty brutal huh?  Yeah, well so is watching the Redskins play football.

The following are players I like to have big games this weekend…

QBs…300+ yards and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yards and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yards and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yards and/or 1+ tds

Fred Davis

‘Burner’ Turner, ‘Rowdy’ Roddy White, T-Gonz

ARI @ CHI…Cardinal vs. Bear.  This ones pretty easy to call; bear devours cardinal.  No question about it.  Did I mention I’m a Bear’s fan?

Fitz

Devin Hester, Greg Olsen

BAL @ CIN…Raven vs. Bengal.  The only time a raven would ever come anywhere near a tiger is if it was a dead rotting carcass.  The Ravens’ defense fed on dead horse meat last week; holding the Broncos to just 7 points.  This week they’ll be eating a big ole dead pussy!  And while on the subject, Flacco looks like he could be a necrophiliac.

Ray Rice, Derrick Mason

Ocho Cinco, Cedric Benson

HOU @ IND…Texan vs. Colt.  Texans have been known to tame colts; and their defense has been a rowdy bunch lately.  But this is no ordinary colt.  His name is Peyton; and he’s a centaur (half man, half horse) with big ole horse legs.  In his right hand, he does not carry a bow, or arrow.  Instead, he carries a Colt 44 Magnum; and he’s gonna shoot DeMeco Ryans right between the eyes!  My bad.  I got a lil carried away.  But you get the picture.  Peyton the ‘man/colt’ beats DeMeco the Texan.

Andre ‘the’ Johnson

Peyton ‘man/colt’ Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark

MIA @ NE…Dolphin vs. Patriot.  Man with gun shoots marine mammal in blow hole.  Mel Gibson wins.

Ronnie ‘Catfish’ Brown

Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes ‘Slot Machine’ Welker

GB @ TB…Packer vs. Buccaneer.  WTF is a packer?  Is that like a dude who packs stuff?  Like a warehouse worker?  Because those guys are usually tough.  Pirates, on the other hand, wore make-up; like Johnny Depp in those movies.  I’ll put my money on the fudge-packers from Green Bay.

KC @ JAC…Chief vs. Jaguar.  Not a good year for Native American mascots in the NFL.  An Indian chief is a mighty warrior indeed.  But without any weapons – which describes the Chiefs’ offense perfectly – he is no match for a jaguar.  Well they do have one weapon in Dwayne Bowe.  But he’s like having a plastic spork.  Jaguar defeats chief.

D-Bowe

MoJo, Mike Sims-Walker

CAR @ NO…Panther vs. Saint.  You don’t mess with the gods; especially the football gods.  And Saints are close to gods.  Think of Brees as a saint, and Delhomme as the panther devil.  The saint will reign down fire and brimstone upon this hellacious demon in a blood drenched (divisional) holy war.  Amen.

DeAngelo Williams

Drew Breesus, Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey

DET @ SEA…Lion vs. Seahawk.  Lion kills seahawk.  Wait, not so fast.  This lion is from Detroit; so he’s more Snagglepuss than king of the jungle.  “Exit, stage left.”  Detroit was sayin’ that after they lost to a one-legged ram last week (The one leg is referring to Steven Jackson).  Seahawk wins.

Kevin Smith

Nate ‘The Snake’ Burleson

TEN @ SF…Titan vs. 49er.  Remember the Titans?  Forget the Titans.  The miner takes a pickaxe to the big fella’s eye.  49er wins.

Chris Johnson

Frank Gore, Vernon Davis

SD @ NYG…Charger vs. Giant.  You’re probably thinking lightnin’ bolt beats giant.  The Chargers are only bolts of lightnin’ when they play lesser teams; they’re phone chargers when they face a real challenge.  Giant smashes phone charger.

V-Jax, Darren Sproles

Brandon Jacobs, Mario Manningham, Ahmad Bradshaw

DAL @ PHI…Cowboy vs. Eagle.  Romo has been a sharp shooter lately, and McNabb has the eagle eye.  The showdown will take place in the eagle’s domain; which means they’re fighting on the side of a mountain! (Eagles nest in high elevations).  The cowboy reaches for his pistol as the eagle swoops in; causing it to fall from his hand.  As the cowboy lunges to grab it, he falls from the edge of the mountain side to his death.  Eagle wins.

Tony Romo, Miles Austin

Donovan McNabb, DeSean Jackson, Brian Westbrook

PIT @ DEN…Steeler vs. Bronco.  Man tries to suffocate horse with curtain (Get it?…Steel Curtain).  Horse breaks free and kicks man in chest; crushing his sternum and causing him to die from internal bleeding.  The man complained of how thin the air was as he took his last breath.  The bronco wins.

Hines Ward, Heath Miller

Brandon Marshall, Knowshon Moreno