Fantasy Football from The Fantasy Addicts

Fantasy Football Preview: Week 13

I have a pet snake.  His name is Boa Jackson.

And no, he doesn’t have one eye and live in my pants (Although I might use that as a pick-up line now).  No, he’s a real snake with two eyes; more specifically, a Columbian Rainbow Boa Constrictor.  I was having trouble naming him so a friend suggested Boa Jackson, in honor of the former 2-sport star Bo Jackson.  I searched ‘Boa Jackson’ under “Google Images” and found the image above (LOL), a pic of some giant bull that goes by the same name, and ‘Jackson Boa’ snowboarding boots.  Confused yet?  These pics should help…

Columbian Rainbow Boa.  This is what my pet looks like.  He’s still just a baby. 

For all my lady readers, the one-eyed snake I was referring to earlier (wink, wink). 

Bo Jackson.  He played football for the Raiders and baseball for the Kansas City Royals.

Bo was one of the most explosive running backs I’ve ever seen.  He had the rare combination of size, power and breakaway speed.

Remember that time he ran over Brian Bosworth, and then outran the rest of the Seahawk defense on Monday Night Football?

I’ll probably remember him best for how unstoppable they made him on Tecmo Bowl.

Here’s the bull.  This is what the description read on the website where I found this pic…

BOA Jackson 2M – the first herd sire we used in our young Aberdeen Angus herd!

Ride Jackson Boa Coiler Snowboard Boots

And I got the pic of Michael Jackson posing with his pet boa constrictor from September 15, 1987.  That got me to thinkin’, what would a pic of Janet Jackson – topless- holding a boa look like?  Let’s see…

Well Janet’s not topless, but her friend is!  Here’s a description of the pic…

Singer Janet Jackson (L) holds a snake as she is greeted by Maria Gara, a magician and snake handler known as SnakeBabe, as Jackson arrives at the Tao Nightclub at the Venetian Resort Hotel Casino during the club’s one-year anniversary party September 30, 2006 in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ok, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with fantasy football?  That’s easy.  Bo Jackson was a beast.  And so is Boa Jackson, my pet snake.  I recently bought him his first live mouse.  He hadn’t eaten in over a month, so I guess the little dead, frozen, ‘fuzzy’ mice – as they are called – just weren’t ‘doin’ it for him anymore.  So I got him his first living, breathing mouse as a present; and he killed the shit out of it!  Not litterally; I mean, I didn’t see the mouse actually shit as he was being squeezed to death, but you catch my drift.  After missing with his intial strike – even Jordan had to learn to shoot a basketball – he landed perfectly with his second attempt, coiled around the helpless victim in less than a second and began to squeeze until the mouse’s heart stopped beating.  I then watched as he tried to swallow something easily 4 times bigger than him – in width.  It took him about 30 minutes to get ‘em down, but he did it.  It was like having Nat Geo shoot a snake documentary on location; but only if the location was my livin’ room!  It was pretty damn cool.  In honor of his first kill – in this week’s fantasy preview – I’m goin’ to tell you who will be the Boa Jacksons, and who will be the feeder mice.

BOA JACKSON MEASURING STICK…

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

First, let’s review Thursday’s game…

NYJ 19, BUF 13

BOA JACKSONS…Thomas Jones

feeder mice…Mark ‘Dirty’ Sanchez, Braylon Edwards, Jerricho Cotchery, TO, Marshawn Lynch, Lee Evans, Fred Jackson

ONE O’CLOCK GAMES

PHI @ ATL

BOA JACKSONS…Donovan McNabb, Jeremy Maclin, T-Gonz

feeder mice…LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson (OUT), Brent Celek, ‘Burner’ Turner (QUESTIONABLE), Matt Ryan (OUT), Roddy White, Jerious Norwood

Note:  The Iggles need to capitalize on the marketing potential of ‘The Sean Brothers:  DeSean and LeSean’.  I think it could be huge.  LOL.

STL @ CHI

BOA JACKSONS…Steven ‘Boa’ Jackson, Matt Forte

feeder mice…Donnie Avery, Jay Cutler, Devin Hester, Greg Olsen

DET @ CIN

BOA JACKSONS…Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco, Cedric Benson

feeder mice…Calvin Johnson, Kevin Smith

OAK @ PIT

BOA JACKSONS…Big Ben (PROBABLE), Hines Ward, Heath Miller

Columbian Rainbow Boa Snakes

feeder mice…Darren McFadden, Zach Miller, Rashard Mendenhall, Santonio Holmes

Note:  Keeping in line with the theme, let’s not forget the former Raider QB great Ken ‘The Snake’ Stabler.

TEN @ IND

BOA JACKSONS…Chris Johnson, Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark

feeder mice…Vince Young, Kenny Britt, Joseph Addai, Pierre Garcon

DEN @ KC

BOA JACKSONS…Brandon Marshall, Knowshon Moreno, Jamaal Charles

feeder mice…Kyle Orton, Matt Cassel, Chris Chambers

NE @ MIA

BOA JACKSONS…Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker

feeder mice…Laurence Maroney, Ricky Williams

Snake eating mouse (LOL).

NO @ WAS

BOA JACKSONS…Drew Brees-us, Marques Colston, Pierre Thomas

feeder mice…Robert Meachem, Rock Cartwright

TB @ CAR

BOA JACKSONS…DeAngelo Williams (QUESTIONABLE), Jonathan Stewart (if DeAngelo doesn’t play)

feeder mice…Antonio Bryant, Kellen Winslow, Steve Smith

HOU @ JAC

BOA JACKSONS…Matt Schaub, Andre ‘the’ Johnson, Chris Brown, MoJo, Mike Sims-Walker

feeder mice…Steve Slaton (PROBABLE; numbness in tip of his right thumb), David Garrard

FOUR O’CLOCK GAMES

SD @ CLE

BOA JACKSONS…Philip Rivers, LT, Antonio Gates

feeder mice…Mohamed Massaquoi

DAL @ NYG

BOA JACKSONS…Miles Austin, Mario Manningham

feeder mice…Tony Romo, Marion Barber, Jason Witten, Brandon Jacobs, Eli Manning, Steve Smith

SF @ SEA

BOA JACKSONS…Frank Gore, Vernon Davis, Nate ‘The Snake’ Burleson

feeder mice…Michael Crabtree, Julius Jones, TJ Houshmandzadeh, John Carlson

SUNDAY NIGHT GAME

MIN @ ARI

BOA JACKSONS…Brett Favre, Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice, Larry Fitzgerald (if Kurt Warner plays)

feeder mice…Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Kurt Warner (QUESTIONABLE), Anquan Boldin

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

BAL @ GB

BOA JACKSONS…Ray Rice, Aaron Rodgers, Donald Driver

feeder mice…Joe Flacco, Derrick Mason, Greg Jennings, Ryan Grant

And finally – for all my NBA fans – I wanted to name my fantasy basketball team something that represented the snake lover in me.  Bo Jackson played football and baseball – not basketball – so ‘The Boa Jacksons’ wouldn’t work.  I had to get creative with this one (think Mario Chalmers of the Miami Heat) and named my team ‘The Snake Chalmers’…