Fantasy Football from The Fantasy Addicts

Fantasy Football Preview: Week 14

The playoffs are here!

This can be a good time for some and the end of the road for others.  If you’re like me – and have multiple fantasy teams – then you probably have some mixed emotions about the fantasy playoffs.  And there are even those among us who have a story to tell of how a last second TD – or Yahoo!/Stat Tracker scoring discrepancy – either got you into the playoffs by the skin of your teeth, or left us out in the cold – alone – like a bum with no place to go on Christmas morning.

I am the proud owner of 3 fantasy teams this year.  Well – at this point – I’m only proud of one of them, but they’re my teams so I kinda have to love them like children; after all, I did create them and bring them into this world.  But just like any other parent with multiple kids, I’m going to be more proud of one than the others; and if your parents say otherwise, they’re lying!  Every family has a blacksheep.

For me, my fantasy team that didn’t make the playoffs this year – “PRESTIGE WORLDWIDE” – is my ’special’ child.  And by ’special’ I mean f*ckin’ retarded!  I can only blame myself because I had to be high on crack when I drafted this team.  Donovan McNabb was the captain of this ship, so – as the quarterback – he would have to be considered my child’s brain.  And just like with any other retard brain, Dono had his good moments and his ”OMG, where is that damn boy’s helmet?” moments.  I drafted Portis too.  So if Dono’s the brain, I guess that would make Portis the ass.  And just like with any other retard ass, sometimes it’s gonna sh*t the bed and leave you to clean up the mess.  So when Yahoo! did not count Robert Meachem’s forced fumble/return as a defensive touchdown last week, my team was done.  It was like my retard child just died.  And while that child made me shake my head in disgust many times this year – just like with any other parent of a retard – I still loved ‘em. 

Note:  The Saints D/ST really let me down last week against the Redskins.  It’s kinda like when you take your retard child out in public and they never really acted bad; until that one time when you took them to church with you and they got up to give a speech, and instead pulled down their pants and did their best ‘Rad Repeatin’ Tarzan impersonation’ in front of the entire congregation.  That’s like the Saints D/ST.  They were doing so well until last week; WTF happened?!!!    

Then there’s the middle child.  This is the fantasy team where – as a parent – you know you didn’t make all the right decisions when raising them, but they still turned out okay.  For me, “T-Pain’s Boat Squad” is my middle child.  I made some good decisions; like drafting Peterson, Randy and Ray Rice.  Even when I spent that money for braces for my child to look better it payed off.  The braces – in this case – refer to Sidney Rice; cuz he sure made my team look better when I acquired him on the waiver wire.  But I made some bad decisions too.  Drafting Portis on a second team – in retrospect – was not a very good idea.  It’s kinda like if a father decides to let his son be a fairy in a play at school and that son then decides – one day – that he’s gay.  The father can’t help but think that his decision to allow his son to be a fairy in the play, may have had something to do with why things didn’t quite turn out like he hoped.  And just like with any other ‘good’ parent, I still love my gay fantasy team.

And finally, we have the ‘golden child’.  This is the child that can do no wrong; everyone’s favorite.  My fantasy team – “PRODUCE-A-QUART” – is my ‘golden child’; and boy is he somethin’!  He’s 11-2, has won 8 games in a row, and has a bye this week in the first round of the fantasy playoffs.  As a father, I couldn’t be prouder!  This is the kid I never have to worry about.  He cleans his room, has never gotten a girl pregnant, and earned a full athletic scholarship to play basketball and football at UNC by the time he was 11 years old!  What more could a dad ask for?

Note:  My biggest fear is that my team will lose in the playoffs after performing so well all year.  It’s the equivalent of my ‘golden child’ reaching fame and fortune only to have it tarnished by a tragic event.  I suggest we call this phenomenon ‘Tiger Woods Syndrome’.

Dear fantasy gods:  Please do not allow my team to become inflicted with ‘Tiger Woods Syndrome’.

My message to you?  Love all your fantasy teams equally; whether they made the playoffs or not.  And while it’s okay to be prouder of some than others, remember that you brought them into this world; therefore, they are your children.

Without further ado, here’s this week’s fantasy preview…

BIG GAME MEASURING STICK…

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

Thursday Game Recap…

CLE 13, PIT 6

Josh Cribbs…Cribbs had 87 rushing yards and 9 yards receiving in this one.  The 96 total yards leaves him 4 yards shy of having a big game – by my standards.  However, I wanted to include him – as a ‘thank you’ – for helping “PRESTIGE WORLDWIDE” almost make the playoffs this year.  The league I had him in rewards points for return yards as well, so he was a beast all season.  The guy can do it all.

Note:  I suggest we change the expression ‘Jack of all trades’ to ‘Josh of all Cribbs’.

One O’Clock Games

NO @ ATL…Brees, Colston / T-Gonz

GB @ CHI…Rodgers, Driver

NYJ @ TB…T. Jones / Cadillac

MIA @ JAC…Ricky / MoJo

DET @ BAL…Calvin / Ray Rice, McGahee

SEA @ HOU…Burleson / Andre ‘the’ Johnson

DEN @ IND…Moreno / Peyton, Wayne, Clark

BUF @ KC…Fred Jackson / Jamaal Charles

CIN @ MIN…Ocho Cinco / Sidney Rice, Peterson

CAR @ NE…DeAngelo / Randy

Four O’Clock Games

WAS @ OAK…LOL!

STL @ TEN…Steven Jackson / Chris Johnson

SD @ DAL…River, Gates / Romo, Witten

Sunday Night Game

PHI @ NYG…Weaver / Steve Smith

Monday Night Football

ARI @ SF…Warner, Fitz / V. Davis

Good luck to all of you in the fantasy playoffs.  Unless – of course - you are playing against me, then I will be forced to rape and murder your retard child.  Happy Holidays everybody!