It’s Halloween and everybody’s talking about the new scary movies; Paranormal Activity and the new Saw movie (I think it’s Saw 26…there’s been so many I can’t keep count).  But I want to talk about a different movie in regard to this week’s fantasy matchups; The Men Who Stare At Goats.  Here’s the trailer…

The movie (due out Nov. 6) looks a bit odd and potentially funny.  You never know with previews because – of course – they never show the bad parts.  But my point in showing you the clip is so you too can understand the importance of becoming a psychic soldier when it comes to fantasy football warfare.  I have spent years – and countless hours on Yahoo! – developing my skills.  I am now officially a Jedi warrior.  In the world of fantasy football, I’m a psychic weapon; able to make my players run through walls (see here) and I can see into the future.  Here is an excerpt from my FF preview for week 2…

no Stradamus upset prediction…I predict my Chicago Bears will defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week.  Now stop laughing and go put some money on it.  And when they win, don’t forget to break me off a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’.  C’mon, really, it’s not that funny.

(Note:  That week I was calling myself no Stradamus.  Here’s a link to the full article; and other than me calling Cedric Benson ‘quicksand legs’, it was on point.)

But I digress.  As I was saying, I am a member of the most elite group of soldiers:  The Men Who Stare At Fantasy Teams.  And these are my predictions for week 8…

BIG GAME MEASURING STICK:

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

The following are players are like to have big games this weekend…

1 o’clock games

HOU @ BUF…The Bills’ D is good against the pass and terrible against the run.  The Bills’ offense is, well, offensive.  The Texans have a good offense and not so good D.  Houston wins this one by running the ball and play-action passing (mixed in with some timely screen passes).

Andre Johnson, Steve Slaton, Owen Daniels

Marshawn Lynch

CLE @ CHI…What’s a good recipe for boucing back after getting your ass handed to you last week?  Answer:  The Browns coming to town this week.  Chicago will bounce back behind a strong game from Forte.

Matt Forte, Devin Hester, Greg Olsen

SEA @ DAL…Romo dumped Jessica Simpson and Jason Witten for Miles Austin, and his new relationship has been good for the team.  Expect more brokeback mountain in this one.

TJ Houshmandzadeh

Tony Romo & Miles Austin (lol), Marion Barber

STL @ DET…This is the Rams’ last chance to win a game in 2009!  Look at their remaining schedule.  The Lions didn’t win a game last year, but the Rams can take it to a whole ‘notha level of shittyness when you consider the losing streak they’re currently on.  And they will.  Detroit wins.

Steven Jackson

Kevin Smith

DEN @ BAL…Can Denver remain undefeated going on the road against a good B-more team?  If their defense continues to play well, then yes.  And they will Sunday against the Ravens.

Brandon Marshall, Knowshon Moreno

Joe Flacco, Ray Rice

SF @ IND…All the attention is on Alex Smith taking over as the 49ers QB, which is exactly where Peyton likes it.  The Colts will blast the ‘9ers to remain undefeated.

Frank Gore, Vernon Davis

Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Austin Collie, Dallas Clark

MIA @ NYJ…It’s Halloween, so the Dolphins are showing up to tomorrow’s game in their Catfish costumes!  This should scare the shit outta the Jets, who gave up 31 points to the ‘Fins on Monday Night Football three weeks ago.  Fear not Jets.  I have found the ultimate costume for you to combat the Catfish.  Presenting:  the Dogbird! The Jets will get past their fears and win this game.

Ronnie Brown

Thomas Jones

NYG @ PHI…McNabb hasn’t looked great since coming back from being injured.  In fact, I’m starting Garrard over him this week.  The Giants have lost two straight but can stay at the top of the NFC East with a big division win Sunday.  The G-men win with a strong game from Eli Manning.

Eli Manning, Steve Smith, Mario Manningham, Ahmad Bradshaw

Brian Westbrook (If he plays…gametime decision), DeSean Jackson

4 o’clock games

JAC @ TEN…Vince Young finally gets his chance to start again and he’ll make some big plays Sunday.  He’ll also make some big mistakes and the Titans will remain winless.

Chris Johnson, Bo Scaife

David Garrard, Mike Sims-Walker

OAK @ SD…This is a blowout on paper, but you never know how focused the Chargers will be.  With that being said, the Raiders are just damn awful and they will lose this game.

Justin Fargas

Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates, Darren Sproles, Vincent Jackson

CAR @ ARI…The Cardinals are #1 against the run and – at the same time – dead last in rushing offense.  They will contain the Panthers rush attack and force Delhomme to pass, which will lead to turnovers.  And on the other side of the ball, expect ‘Zona’s passing game to put up good numbers.  Cards’ win.

DeAngelo Williams

Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin

MIN @ GB…He’s baaaaaaaack!  Favre in Lambeau again; only this time in purple.  There’s going to be plenty of emotion and this game will have a playoff-like atmosphere.  The emotion of the home crowd will help the Packers, early in the game.  But after everyone settles in and the initial hysteria of the moment wears off, the Vikings will take over.  They have been more battle tested this year and the Packers are coming off of wins over cupcakes in their last two games.

Brett Favre, Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice, Visanthe Shiancoe

Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Donald Driver

Note: Winfield out

Monday Night Football

ATL @ NO…The Saints look pretty damn good.  They’ve won games with their passing.  They’ve won games with their running.  And when neither was working, they even won a game with their defense.  The Falcons will have their hands full Monday night.  The Saints will score early and often, which will force ATL to try to keep pace.  N’Orleans prevails in a high scoring game.

Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Tony Gonzalez, Roddy White

Drew Brees, Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey, Mike Bell, Devery Henderson

Upset Predictions…

DEN over BAL

MIN over GB

JAC over TEN

Note: I stared at one fantasy team so long this week that I picked up Mike Hart.  Who?  My point exactly.  You’d never think to add this guy to your fantasy team.  But don’t feel bad.  Being able to make moves like that comes from years of training.  I’m a psychic soldier; a Jedi warrior, son!  And with years of experience and the proper training – plus enough trophies in your Yahoo! fantasy profile trophy case – you too may one day be part of the most elite group of soldiers:  The Men Who Stare At Fantasy Teams.

Double Note: I was forced to pick up Mike Hart due to a season ending injury to Leon Washington.  It’s a 16-team league with several bench spots, so there ain’t shit available on the waiver wire.  It was Hart or Michael Robinson.  In retrospect, it may be a good idea to try out for another group of elite soldiers:  The Men Who Draft Extra Running Backs Just In Case Your Dude Breaks His F*cking Leg!

Madden died.  What reason is there to live?

Oh yeah, fantasy football!  I have a Xbox LIVE account and play Madden NFL 10 religiously.  And I can say that truthfully because I usually pray for divine intervention when I’m losing a game.  I have a decent record at 16-7 (If you ever wanna catch a beat down my Gamertag is ALLMADDEN4298, punks!).  But anyway, as I was sayin’, I own Madden and it recently died on me.  How?  Microsoft made a crappy machine that sometimes overheats and it burned a perfect ring around the disk (Thanks a lot Bill Gates!).  Now it just says ‘unreadable’ when I try to play it.  What does this have to do with fantasy football?  Everything I tell you, everything.  Allow me to explain.  Madden is one of the most knowledgeable men of all-time when it comes to the NFL – I say ‘men’ because we all know a woman will never know as much about football as a man – and in this week’s fantasy preview, I’ll use Madden 10 to help me figure things out.  By the way, that sexist comment was a joke.  In fact, I know a very special lady who has picked like the last 20 Super Bowl winners in a row – hi mom -and I couldn’t even get last year’s right.  But I digress.  Madden has a very sophisticated system for player ratings that’s updated – if I’m not mistaken – on a weekly basis (If you play online).  For example, Ronnie Brown’s and Ricky Williams’ player ratings both increased in the latest version of the roster updates for Madden because they ran the Wildcat – or as I like to call it, the Catfish – all over the Jets’ D in their last game.  This means the video game mirrors the actual NFL more than ever, making for extremely realistic gameplay.  So this week, I’m using Madden 10 to predict fantasy stats by simulating every game on the Xbox 360!  How can I do this if Madden died you ask?  Easy, my roommate bought a new one (His eagerness to do so raises my level of suspicion that he destroyed the first one somehow.  But I can play again, so I won’t ask any questions).

Note:  Okay, I last thing.  Anybody who has played the video game is familiar with the ‘ask Madden’ option.  You can choose to call your own plays during a game or you can select the ‘ask Madden’ option and have him (the computer) choose the plays for you randomly.  And anyone who’s played also knows that if you do this for every play you will surely lose, and probably by a lot.  (I think Tennessee’s coach – Jeff Fisher – put it on autopilot last week and selected ‘ask Madden’ for every play call in that 59-0 embarrassment at New England).  So if Madden (the computer) generates any crazy scores, I won’t ask Madden.  I’ll step in and call my own play, so to speak.

1 o’clock games

GB @ CLE…

Madden 10 updated team ratings…GB 82 CLE 67

Simulated Score…GB 21 CLE 24

Player Stats…

Aaron Rodgers 263 yds 3 tds 0 ints        Derek Anderson 182 yds 1 td 1 int

Ryan Grant 51 rush yds                                Jamal Lewis 114 rush yds 1 td

Greg Jennings 7 rec 120 yds 3 tds           Mohamed Massaquoi 4 rec 47 yds

Donald Driver 5 rec 61 yds                         Jerome Harrison 30 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 64 yds 1 td

James Jones 3 rec 50 yds                            Josh Cribbs 134 KR yds 96 PR yds

Jermichael Finley 0

Looks like Green Bay chose the ‘ask Madden’ option a few too many times in this one.  No way they lose to the Browns on Sunday.  Here’s what else I would change about the simulated outcome…the video game obviously loves Jennings way too much.  He won’t get 3 tds.  And Jerome Harrison is not that good in real life.  Jamal Lewis isn’t either.  No donut for Finley.  But everything else looked pretty good.

On To The Next One…

SD @ KC…

Team Ratings…SD 86 KC 66

Simulated Score…SD 39 KC 33

Player Stats…

Philip Rivers 129 yds 1 td 0 ints…1 rush td                  Matt Cassel 191 yds 0 td 0 ints

LaDainian Tomlinson 226 yds 2 tds                             Larry Johnson 51 yds 1 td

Darren Sproles 10 rush yds…2 rec 20 yds…234 KR yds 1 td

Dwayne Bowe 3 rec 47 yds

Vincent Jackson 4 rec 72 yds 1 td

Antonio Gates 1 rec 12 yds

The game said some dude for the Chiefs named Quinten Lawrence was going to return 2 kickoffs for tds and have 228 KR yds.  I better pick him up on the waiver wire now!  NOT!  Take that away, plus some of LT’s yards and give them to Sproles, give Rivers more passing yards to Gates, and there’s your game.

IND @ STL…

Team Ratings…IND 91 STL 66

Simulated Score…IND 66 STL 28

Peyton Manning 409 yds 5 tds 0 ints        Marc Bulger 221 yds 2 tds 1 int

Kyle Boller went 0 for 2 on passing attempts in this one which means Bulger probably got hurt during the simulated game; or the video game’s artificial intelligence has become so advanced they decided to pull Bulger for having a bad game.  We will never know for sure.

Joseph Addai 194 rush yds 3 tds                 Steven Jackson 46 rush yds…4 rec 11 yds

Reggie Wayne 10 rec 152 yds 2 tds            Donnie Avery 3 rec 21 yds 1 td

Pierre Garcon 9 rec 112 yds                          Mike Karney (FB) 2 rec 65 yds 1 td

Dallas Clark 5 rec 56 yds 1 td

Austin Collie 3 rec 89 yds 2 tds

Conclusion…Madden 10 sucks Peyton Manning’s dick big time!  They love the guy.  But they are playing the Rams, so it could happen.  Addai owners:  Um, don’t expect 194 and 3.

Note:  The computer is not giving much love to backup RBs.  Donald Brown will get some of Addai’s numbers.  Also, I have quarter length set to 10 minutes for more realistic stats.  Since they seem to be somewhat inflated, I’ll have to set it back to 8 minute quarters instead.

MIN @ PIT…

I can’t wait for this one!  Both QBs – Brett and Big Ben – have been as dangerous and hot as a hillbilly hot tub!

Let’s see what Madden 10 has to say…

Team Ratings…MIN 87 PIT 89

Simulated Score…MIN 44 PIT 30

Player Stats…

Brett Favre 73 yds 0 tds 0 ints                        Ben Roethlisberger 198 yds 2 tds 1 int

Adrian Peterson 147 rush yds 2 tds              Rashard Mendenhall 0

Chester Taylor 139 rush yds 2 tds 1 fum     Willie Parker 73 rush yds

Sidney Rice 2 rec 13 yds                                     Hines Ward 5 rec 52 yds 1 td

Bernard Berrian 1 rec 14 yds                            Santonio Holmes 3 rec 87 yds 1 td

Percy Harvin 0                                                       Mike Wallace 3 rec 30 yds

Visanthe Shiancoe 1 rec 20 yds                      Heath Miller 3 rec 29 yds

No way the Vikings get 286 rushing yards like they did in this one.  Favre only attempted 9 passes!  Expect Minnesota’s passing numbers to be up and rush totals down.  Expect better numbers from Big Ben and Hines Ward as well.

Peterson must have been hurt during the game because Chester had more than twice the number of carries.

Parker is listed as the starter on the video game so expect Mendenhall to get those yards.

NE @ TB…

New England playing in old England (This game’s being played in London).

Team Ratings…NE 89 TB 67

Simulated Score…NE 41 TB 10

Player Stats…

Tom Brady 276 yds 4 tds 2 ints                         Byron Leftwich 132 yds 1 td 3 ints

Laurence Maroney 80 rush yds 1 fum…2 rec 16 yds 1 td

Carnell Williams 51 rush yds

Kevin Faulk 8 rush yds                                       Derrick Ward 3 rush yds…1 rec 7 yds

Randy Moss 6 rec 87 yds 1 td                            Antonio Bryant 4 rec 66 yds

Wes Welker 8 rec 129 yds 1 td…122 PR yds

Ben Watson 0                                                        Kellen Winslow 0

The computer obviously hates TEs.

Leftwich is listed as the starter and I’m too lazy to change it.  Besides, Josh Johnson will probably have similar numbers anyway.

Sammy Morris is also still listed as a starter so I gave his stats to Maroney.

Joey Galloway is still on the Patriots roster and had a td in this one so let’s give it to Randy, which would give him 2 (I like that better because I have Randy in 2 leagues).

SF @ HOU…

Michael Crabtree debuts in his home state.

Team Ratings…SF 77 HOU 76

Simulated Score…SF 20 HOU 35

Shaun Hill 165 yds 1 td 1 int        Matt Schaub 151 yds 2 tds 0 ints…65 rush yds 1 td

Frank Gore 87 rush yds…3 rec 65 yds                Steve Slaton 99 rush yds 1 fum

Michael Crabtree 0                                                  Andre Johnson 4 rec 78 yds 1 td

Vernon Davis 3 rec 91 yds 1 td                              Owen Daniels 1 rec 5 yds

Kevin Walter 1 rec 63 yds 1 td

Jacoby Jones 99 PR yds 1 td

4 o’clock games

BUF @ CAR…

Team Ratings…BUF 71 CAR 78

Simulated Score…BUF 13 CAR 20

Ryan Fitzpatrick (Trent Edwards is out this week) 146 yds 1 td

Jake Delhomme 86 yds 0 td 0 int

Marshawn Lynch 27 rush yds

DeAngelo Williams 179 rush yds 1 td…2 rec 25 yds

Fred Jackson 51 rush yds…3 rec 31 yds

Jonathan Stewart 17 rush yds

Lee Evans 3 rec 53 yds                                          Muhsin Muhammad 2 rec 30 yds

Terrell Owens 3 rec 43 yds 1 td                           Steve Smith 1 rec 26 yds

TO is still overrated on the game at 87 overall (out of a possible 100).

NYJ @ OAK…

Team Ratings…NYJ 84 OAK 69

Simulated Score…NYJ 21 OAK 13

Player Stats…

Mark Sanchez 69 yds 1 td 0 ints

JaMarcus Russell 204 yds 1 td 2 ints

Thomas Jones 70 rush yds…1 rec 5 yds

Michael Bush 67 rush yds…1 rec 9 yds

Leon Washington 19 rush yds…1 rec 7ds…30 KR yds…36 PR yds

Justin Fargas 7 rush yds…2 rec 18 yds

Braylon Edwards 2 rec 26 yds 1 td

Darrius Hayward-Bey 4 rec 87 yds

Zach Miller 4 rec 56 yds

Louis Murphy 2 rec 21 yds 1 td

The Jets only scored one offensive td, so they must have had 2 defensive td’s in this one; which is very probable given that Jabooty is the opposing QB.

ATL @ DAL…

Team Ratings…ATL 84 DAL 84

Simulated Score…ATL 21 DAL 24

Player Stats…

Matt Ryan 137 yds 1 td 1 int                                        Tony Romo 194 yds 1 td 4 ints

Michael Turner 77 rush yds…2 rec 11 yds           Marion Barber 38 rush yds

Jerious Norwood 130 KR yds 1 td

Felix Jones 137 rush yds 2 tds…2 rec 16 yds 1 td…53 KR yds

Roddy White 1 rec 11 yds

Miles Austin 4 rec 63 yds…77 KR yds

Tony Gonzalez 0                                               Jason Witten 1 rec 13 yds

Brian Finneran 2 rec 86 yds 1 td                  Patrick Crayton 4 rec 50 yds…25 PR yds

Boost up ATL’s passing stats – Ryan, Roddy and T-Gonz – for the real game Sunday.

CHI @ CIN…

Between Benson being blackballed and  the Ochocinco/Jay Cutler tweet war, there has been plenty of trash talking in anticipation of Sunday’s showdown.

Team Ratings…CHI 80 CIN 79

Simulated Score…CHI 31 CIN 14

Player Stats…

Jay Cutler 225 yds 2 tds 1 int…30 rush yds           Carson Palmer 62 yds 0 tds 3 ints

Matt Forte 150 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 10 yds

Cedric Benson 118 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 8 yds

Devin Hester 4 rush yds…2 rec 74 yds 1 td…35 KR yds

Chad Ochocinco 2 rec 16 yds

Johnny Knox 5 rec 58 yds                                         Andre Caldwell 0

(Rashied Davis had 5 rec for 58 yds.  I gave his stats to Johnny Knox.)

Greg Olsen 3 rec 31 yds 1 td                                       Chris Henry 1 rec 22 yds

Expect better numbers from the Bengals’ passing game (Carson, Ocho and Caldwell).

NO @ MIA…

Team Ratings…NO 87 MIA 77

Simulated Score…NO 24 MIA 31

Player Stats…

Drew Brees 330 yds 2 tds 1 int                               Chad Henne 105 yds 1 td 1 int

Pierre Thomas 46 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 15 yds…55 KR yds

Ronnie Brown 282 rush yds 2 tds

Mike Bell 0                                                                  Ricky Williams 15 rush yds

Reggie Bush 5 rush yds…1 rec 9 yds…8 PR yds

Ted Ginn Jr 3 rec 58 yds…150 KR yds 1 td

Marques Colston 7 rec 116 yds 1 td                       Lousaka Polite (FB) 1 rec 8 yds 1 td

Lance Moore 1 rec 10 yds

Devery Henderson 3 rec 60 yds

Robert Meachem 3 rec 37 yds

Jeremy Shockey 0

You know what really makes Madden’s dick hard?  The ‘Fins Catfish offense!  Ronnie will not hang 282 on the Saints D.

You know what else gets his dick hard?  Return tds.  There have been a ton in these simulated games.

ARI @ NYG…

The mentor vs the pupil (Kurt Warner played with the G-men when Eli was drafted).

Team Ratings…ARI 84 NYG 92

Simulated Score…ARI 35 NYG 28

Player Stats…

Kurt Warner 339 yds 3 tds 0 ints                      Eli Manning 249 yds 1 td 0 ints 1 fum

Tim Hightower 61 rush yds 1 td…2 rec 19 yds

Brandon Jacobs 48 rush yds 1 td

Beanie Wells 45 rush yds                                     Ahmad Bradshaw 132 KR yds 1 td

Larry Fitzgerald 3 rec 76 yds 1 td                       Mario Manningham 3 rec 48 yds

Anquan Boldin 4 rec 33 yds                                 Steve Smith 8 rec 97 yds 1 td

Steve Breaston 4 rec 114 yds 1 td                         Hakeem Nicks 2 rec 17 yds

Bradshaw with a donut in both rushing and receiving yards?  I don’t think so.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

PHI @ WAS…

The Iggles – with all their talent – lost to the Raiders last week.  Jim Zorn’s still the head coach, but Sherm Lewis is calling the plays in the nation’s capital now.  You can’t look away from a train wreck, and both teams look like one right now; so I guess I’m watching this one Monday night.

Team Ratings…PHI 90 WAS 75

Simulated Score…PHI 24 WAS 17

Player Stats…

Donovan McNabb 153 yds 1 td 0 ints           Jason Campbell 211 yds 1 td 3 ints

Brian Westbrook 42 rush yds…1 rec 11 yds

Clinton Portis 107 rush yds…3 rec 46 yds

DeSean Jackson 3 rec 69 yds…36 KR yds…25 PR yds

Jeremy Maclin 4 rec 42 yds                             Santana Moss 4 rec 79 yds 1 td

Brent Celek 1 rec 1 yd                                        Chris Cooley 1 rec 16 yds

LeSean McCoy 92 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 7ds 1 td

Give McNabb a few more passing yards and swap Westbrook’s and McCoy’s stats, and this one should be dead on.

There you have it.  Your fantasy stat predictions for week 7.  This is fantasy football son!  It’s important.  And in honor of all the Snickers’ advertisements in this year’s version of Madden, always remember to PREPARE FOR CHOMPETITION, CHEWS WISELY AND PLAY LIKE A CHOMPION.

It’s time the Dolphins offense got a new nickname…the Catfish!

The Dolphins didn’t originate the offense, it started in high school.  However, the ‘Fins have brought it to the highest level of football and-with Ricky and Ronnie in the backfield-have made it their own.  They used it to perfection to beat a tough Jets squad Monday night.  Currently, it’s called the Wildcat.  But Dolphins swim.  For that reason, I say we combine the cat with the marine mammal and call it the Catfish!  I know a dolphin is not a fish, but the Catfish sounds way better than the Cat-Mammal.  And just look at that image above.  I would much rather see a wildcat coming my way than to have that damnation submarining towards me.

Bell Biv Devoe taught us that Ricky (left) and Ronnie (middle) could be successful together.  That Catfish is poison!

Due to time constraints, this weeks preview will be a little different.  For each game I’m only going to list the players that I like to have big games this week.  Here’s the measuring stick…

QB’s…300+ yards and/or 3+ td’s

RB’s…100+ total yards and/or 2+ td’s

WR’s…100+ yards and/or 2+ td’s

TE’s…100+ yards and/or 1+ td’s

1 O’Clock games

Houston @ Cincinnati…

Andre the Johnson, Owen Daniels

Cedric ‘quicksand legs’ Benson

Detroit @ Green Bay…

Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings

Baltimore @ Minnesota…

Ray Rice

Brett Favre

NY Giants @ New Orleans…

Eli Manning, Mario Manningham

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh…

Hines Ward, Rashard Mendenhall

Carolina @ Tampa Bay…

DeAngelo Williams, Steve Smith

Cadillac Williams, Kellen Winslow

Kansas City @ Washington…

Clinton Portis,  Chris Cooley

Note:  Former Redskin John Riggins rips Jim Zorn in this video.

St. Louis @ Jacksonville…

Steven Jackson

Maurice Jones-Drew (threw Reggie Bush under the bus), Mike Sims-Walker (missed last week’s game to get some ass!)

4 O’Clock games

Arizona @ Seattle…

Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald

Matt Hasselbeck, Nate Burleson

Philadelphia @ Oakland…

Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson

Tennessee @ New England…

Chris Johnson

Tom Brady, Randy Moss

Buffalo @ NY Jets…

Thomas Jones, Braylon Edwards

Sunday night game

Chicago @ Atlanta…

Matt Forte, Greg Olsen

Michael Turner, Tony Gonzalez

Monday Night Football

Denver @ San Diego…

Knowshon Moreno, Brandon Marshall

Antonio Gates

Team D/ST…

The following are team defenses/special teams I would start this week…Packers, Steelers, Eagles and Jets.

Upset Predictions…Giants over Saints, Bears over Falcons and Broncos over Chargers

Last week it was all about the numbers.  This week I’m going with my gut!

1 O’Clock games

Cleveland @ Buffalo…My gut tells me shitty game to watch, but then my brain reminded me of the Browns taking the Bengals to the last minute of overtime before blowing their load last week.  Ok, this is still gonna be a shitty game.  No Braylon Edwards.  He was traded to the Jets following an incident with LeBron’s skinny wodie.  If you haven’t heard, you can read about it here.  Now let’s take a look at the fantasy players…

Derek Anderson…Don’t even think about it!  He was good in ‘07, but this is ‘09.     

Mohamed Massaquoi…He had 1 huge game and then they traded Braylon.  Makes sense to pick him up right?  Um, no.  It’s still the Browns man!

Jerome Harrison…Buffalo’s weakness is run D.  How do I know this?  They held Brees in check but still got stampeded by Pierre Thomas and then they lost to the Dolphins last week who probably ran the Wildcat the whole game…Growl! Growl!  Harrison will have some value in this game.  Use him if you don’t have a better option.

Browns D/ST…Ha!  Very funny.  Don’t be stupid.

Trent Edwards…Too inconsistent.  Hasn’t shown me enough this year to warrant a start.

TO…How’s that saying go?  The WR doesn’t fall far from the QB, or something like that.  Anyway, you can see where I’m going with this one.  Avoid Terrible Owens.

Marshawn Lynch…Beast mode will be back this week!

Fred Jackson…Beast mode jr. will be back this week!  I think Marshawn has the better game but Fred will do enough to warrant a flex start this week.

Lee Evans…see TO above.

Buffalo D/ST…When the Browns come to town, the opposing defense is almost always a good option.  Unless, of course, it’s the Bills.

Braylon Edwards 

Dallas @ Kansas City…OK team vs. bad team.  Dallas seems to be a Jekyll and Hyde team right now.  They win 1, lose 1.  They lost last week, so they should bounce back against the winless Chiefs.  

Tony Romo…He’ll have a good game against the Chiefs and you’re going to start him this week if you drafted him, but I don’t think he puts up huge numbers.  No 300 yard game for Tony.   

Marion Barber…He’s got a quad injury that limited him in the 2nd half last week and I never like players coming off an injury.  Monitor reports and if his status improves then roll with the Barbarian because there should be plenty of yards to go around against KC.

Tashard Choice…My choice for best fantasy day for a Cowboy is Tashard.

Jason Witten…Wake up son!  You’re on 1 of my fantasy teams and we could use the help.  Looks like getting rid of TO may have hurt your fantasy value.  But alas, the captain must go down with the fantasy ship, so I’m starting him this week. 

Roy Williams…Broken ribs.  Broken hands.  Stay clear of Roy.

Patrick Crayton…He could have a decent game this week but I’m going to put my faith in Witten being the ‘Boys’ leading receiver.

Dallas D/ST…This would be a good week to start them.

Minnesota @ St. Louis…BLOWOUT!  Man, Brett sure looked good Monday night.  He was throwing bee stings all over the place.  Now the Rams on the other hand…this article is about my gut feelings and watching the Rams gives me the bubble guts (see image below).

Brett Favre…I’ve got Aaron Rodgers in 1 league and since he’s on bye I picked up Favre on the waiver wire for $6 (That’s fantasy money, not real money).  How ironic is that?  In the real world of football Favre and Rodgers would never be on the same team.  But in fantasy world, they don’t have a choice.  Does that make me a fantasy god?  If my teams wins, then yes it does. 

Adrian Peterson…Do you really need me to tell you to start AD this week?

Percy Harvin…He had his 1st game without a TD on Monday night.  Not only that, but it appears Rice and Berrian have become Brett’s favorite targets.  Start him if you think he finds the end zone this week but he’s staying put on my bench.

Bernard Berrian…Finally showed some signs of life against the Pack.  I have a feeling there will be a play-action fake followed by a long throw in this game that will go for a TD to Berrian.

Sidney Rice…Picked him up on the waiver wire this week so I’m expecting big things.  Looks to me that he is the most physical presence at receiver the Vike’s have so he should be the possession guy, which means more targets.

Visanthe Shiancoe…U only start him if you think he gets a TD, because he doesn’t get a ton of looks.  I say he won’t this week.

Steven Jackson…This is the only guy you should even consider starting for the Rams, but not this week.  

Rush Limbaugh…Is the league really gonna let this racist bastard become part owner of a team?  Well, it’s the Rams, so it would kinda be like not having a real NFL team, more like a semi-pro team.

Vikings D/ST…San Fran’s defense scored 3 TD’s against the Rush Limbaugh’s last week. 

Dropping your kids off at the pool is a good way to relieve bubble guts.

Oakland @ NY Giants…Another blowout.  Even if Eli can’t go, the G-men should still win easily, they just won’t score as many points.  Oakland is just plain bad and their head coach will probably be charged with felony assault soon. 

Raiders…Starting anyone from this team would be a mistake.

Eli Manning…He sat out practice Wednesday, but his teammates are confident he will play Sunday.  If he plays, then he should have a good game against this sorry defense.

Brandon Jacobs…Start him.

Ahmad Bradshaw…Only if you’re really desperate because he just doesn’t get enough touches.

Steve Smith…Start this fool!  And I mean that in a good way.  Eli was locked in on his #1 target last week.  Did you know he leads the league in receiving so far this year?

Mario Manningham/Hakeem Nicks/Domenik Hixon…Not so sure about these guys.  I’m sitting Manningham this week after starting him last week and watching every pass thrown his way get bobbled.  And again, Eli loves Steve Smith. 

Giants D/ST…Beast mode!  I think the Mortal Kombat guy is going to come out after this game and say, “Flawless Victory”.

Mario Manningham needs his own bobble-hands doll.

Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia…Very bad team vs. good team.  Good way to start your comeback tour if you’re McNabb.

Josh Johnson…I would start Edelman over him at QB.  Edelman is a WR/QB for the Patriots.

Carnell ‘Cadillac’ Williams…Cadillac could have a decent game if Derrick Ward is still out.  Too many question marks for me though.  He’s staying put on my bench.

Derrick Ward…He returned to practice Wednesday but I don’t think he does much even if he does see action Sunday.

Antonio Bryant…Gut tells me no.  Bad offense and he’s facing a good corner this week.

Kellen Winslow…Only if you’re desperate.

Donovan McNabb…I have him.  Let’s hope he can live up to the expectations Kolb has set for him.  Wait, shouldn’t that be the other way around?  Anyway, I like Dono to have a big game Sunday.

Brian Westbrook…He’ back too.  The early season injury has B-West looking like a potential bust.  That remains to be seen, but I like him this week. 

DeSean Jackson…He’s stupid-fast so start him.

Brent ‘Magnum TE’ Celek…He was Kolb’s favorite target, but Kolb’s not playing.  I like him anyway this week.

Eagles D/ST…I tried to pick them up but was outbid by my roommate.  Thx a lot buddy! 

Pittsburgh @ Detroit…Pitt has been up and down this year.  Expect them to be up against the Lions.  Detroit finally ended the streak 2 weeks ago and now they are working on a new one.

Big Ben…Has been a much better fantasy QB than I expected this year.  Will have a big game in the dome.

Rashard Mendenhall…The most popular guy on the waiver wire this week-I’m sure-after a huge game against the Chargers.  If you picked him up then you’re going to start him against the Lions.

Willie Parker…Still has camel turf toe so he’ll stay on my bench this week.

San-Antonio Holmes…It’s the Lions, if you don’t start him this week, then when will you?

Hines Ward…Another strong game last week.  He’s Big Ben’s possession guy.  Expect another good outing from the man with no ACL.

Heath Miller…If you don’t have a better option, then give ’em a shot.  I’ve got T-Gonz in 2 leagues and Witten in 1 so I’m sticking with my big guns.

Willie Parker should have been wearing a camel toe cup, according to Camel Toe Annie.

Matthew Stafford…Unlikely to play Sunday.

Dante Culpepper…Ha!

Kevin Smith…I think LT had like 15 yards last week against Pitt.  Sit Kevi Smith.

Calvin Johnson…Culpepps used to sling ‘em deep to Moss.  I can see Calvin Mossin’ 1 or 2 in this one.  Urban dictionary definition of Mossin…When a group of people are playing football and one person makes a great catch over a defender, in a Randy Moss like fashion.  It can also mean to chill or smoke weed and we all know Randy likes to do both.

Steelers D/ST…They’re facing Culpepps.

Washington @ Carolina…I hate Jim Zorn!  I blame him for Portis not having a great start after I drafted him in 2 leagues because of Zorn’s conservative play-calling.  The Panthers haven’t lived up to expectations either so far this year.  Dammit!  I drafted DeAngelo Williams too.

Jason Campbell…He did me no favors when I picked him up last week because Philly and Kevin Kolb were on bye.  Kerry Collins outperformed him.  Need I say more?

Clinton Portis…I’ve started him the 1st 4 weeks and right now my teams are 3-1, 2-2 and 6th ( out of 8 teams ) in a cumulative points league.  I’m not doing great, but I’m not doing terrible either.  Keep the Porti-John train rollin this week.

Santana Moss…He started for me last week when Anquan Boldin was on bye and did admirably.  Luckily for me, Boldin is back.  I say sit Moss.

Chris Cooley…One thing the ‘Skins have been good at is getting Chris Cooley the ball.  Start ‘em.

Jake Delhomme…John Fox should have gone after Vick.  At this point, Vick seems more valuable than Delhomme in fantasy world because Jake could get you negative points on any given Sunday.

DeAngelo Williams…Let’s see that wildcat John Fox!  Growl!  Growl!  Cadillac had a solid game last week against the ‘Skins, so DeAngelo should do even better right?

Jonathan Stewart…The daily show will not get good ratings this week.

Steve Smith…For some odd reason, John Fox has called more passes than runs so far this year.  I’m guessing it’s because he’s a bad coach.  Anyway, Steve Smith will have a good game in this one.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore…Two 3-1 teams facing off.  Never would have expected that from ‘Natti before the season.  Palmer is winning clutch games and Flacco has been an early season MVP candidate.

Carson Palmer…You can pass on the Ravens.  Carson should have a solid game but I don’t see him putting up 300 yards.

Cedric Benson…You can’t run on the Ravens.  Sit Ced B.

Chad Ocho Cinco…Chad always gets up for big games so I would start him this week.

Joe Flacco…or ’Skinny Joe’ in spanish.  The Bengals have been giving up rushing yards lately and I think the Ravens will take advantage of that.  Flacco will manage the game well enough to win but he won’t have 300 yards either.  He could have a couple of TD tosses though.  Start skinny Joe.

Willis McGahee…Ray Rice will get them close and McGahee will vulture his TD’s.

Ray Rice…By getting them close I mean Ray Rice will account for most of the rushing yards.  Start him.

Derrick Mason…Flacco’s favorite target…Derrick Ocho Cinco.  Start him.

Todd Heap…Only start him if you don’t have a better option this week. 

If Flacco was a rapper, he would go by ‘Skinny Joe’.

4 O’Clock games 

Atlanta @ San Francisco…This is a good chance for ATL to prove it belongs among the upper echelon of NFL teams.  The 49ers have an outstanding defense so this one will be interesting.

Matt Ryan…I know you can’t run on the 49ers so Ryan will be forced to throw in this one.  I think he has a good game.  Don’t expect 300 yards but Ryan should throw atleast 2 td’s.

Michael Turner…’Burner’ Turner, meet Patrick Willis.  Fantasy owners, sit Turner.

Roddy White…This would be a good game to start Roddy.  He has a tough matchup with Nate Clements but I think he can find the end zone and maybe a deep ball from Ryan as well.

Tony Gonzalez…Patrick Willis can’t shutdown Turner and cover T-Gonz, can he?  I think SS Michael Lewis will draw most of the cover duties on T-Gonz so start him with confidence this week. 

Shaun Hill…He’s quietly having a very efficient year.  He’s not turning the ball over and the 49ers are 3-1.  But he’s also no fantasy stud so I wouldn’t recommend starting him.

Glen Coffee…Fred Taylor had 105 yards against ATL in their last game.  For that reason, I like Coffee in this one.  I’m starting him in my flex spot this week.

Vernon Davis…He’s finally living up to all the hype.  Start ‘em.  Plus, the 49ers don’t have a proven threat at WR.

Michael Crabtree…He hasn’t proven himself yet.  Proceed with caution.

Jacksonville @ Seattle…Jack ‘Of The River’ (Del Rio means ‘of the river’ in spanish) got his team back to .500 ball with a win last week.  The only team Seattle has beat this year is St. Louis.   

David Garrard…I almost picked him up last week to replace Aaron Rodgers.  I put $4 on him and $6 on Brett.  I ended up with Brett but I might be kickin myself and short 2 bucks if he has a better game this week.  Anyway, start ‘em.

Maurice Jones-Drew…I said sit MoJo last week and he finished with 14 rushing yards.  I’m not gonna say that again this week.  He might have 214 against the Seahawks.

Mike Sims-Walker…I said start Mike last week and he had a huge game with 2 bee stings (td’s).  I like Garrard this week and this is his #1 target.  Start ‘em.

Matt Hasselbeck…Hasselbeck is practicing again and is expected to play Sunday.  My recommendation would be to start ‘em because Kerry Collins put up 20 fantasy points against that Jags D last week.

Julius Jones…The Jags have been solid against the run so I don’t like Julius this week.

TJ Houshmandzadeh…Had his 1st 100-yard game last week but that was with Seneca at QB.  Sit TJ this week.

Nate Burleson…His only TD of the season came week 1 when Matt was at QB.  If you need a flex and don’t have a better option, go with Nasty Nate this week.  Note:  If Burleson is Nasty Nate, does that make TJ the Squirrel Master?

John Carlson…His production has dropped since Hasselbeck got hurt.  Matt’s return should mean a good game for Carlson.

Looks like Jack is not the only famous person ‘of the river’.

Houston @ Arizona…I thought the 4th of July already passed?  Somebody better call the cops, because there will be plenty of fireworks in this one!

Matt Shaub…The Cards run D has been solid.  Shaub will be forced to pass and he will put up numbers.  If Matt Shaub was a rapper, his freestyle would go like this, “You ain’t gotta wonder on how I’m working wonders, cuz b**** I do numbers.”

Steve Slaton…See Matt Shaub above.  Sit Slaton.

Andre the Johnson…He’s going to try to prove that he’s the best receiver in the league; not Fitz.  Start ‘em.

Owen Daniels…Quietly a very productive player.  Start ‘em.

Kevin Walter/Jacoby Jones…If this is a fireworks show, then these guys would be sparklers.  Sit ‘em.

Kurt Warner…Old QB’s have been on fire this year (Favre, Manning).  That trend will continue Sunday and Kurt will have a big game.

Tim Hightower…Houston’s D is bad, but the Cards are a passing team.  I think Hightower has a solid game this week.  I don’t see 100 yards but he could have 80 and a td.

Beanie Wells…What has he done to warrant a start?

Larry Fitzgerald…How can you doubt Jaguar Paw?  Is it just me, or does Fitz look like the guy from Apocalypto?

I don’t think anybody ever called Fitz ‘almost’.  Maybe the Steelers last year after the Super Bowl.

Anquan Boldin…I have Fitz and Boldin together on the same team!  I’m starting both of ‘em this week and if you have either, you should do the same.

Steve Breaston…Sparkler.  Sit ‘em. 

Kevin Walter, Jacoby Jones and Steve Breaston.

New England @ Denver…Who would have thought that the Broncos would have a better record than the Patriots after 4 weeks?

Tom Brady…When is Tom going to have a breakout game?  Not this week.  The Broncos D is solid.  If you don’t believe me, ask Tony Romo.  That’s not to say Brady won’t have any TD passes, just not 300 yards. 

Fred Taylor…Taylor needs surgery.  So who will step up and be the guy in the Pats backfield?  Not ‘My Little Maroney’.  He has the most carries of any of their backs, but he’s not good, plain and simple.  Kevin Faulk is the 3rd down guy.  That leaves BenJarvis and Sammy Morris.  My gut tells me Sammy will see the most production over the long term but I don’t like any of these guys against the Broncos.  Note:  The Pats should name their backfield after the restaurant chain…Five Guys.  Or Four Guys and a Pony.  

Randy Moss…Randy makes me dandy.  What more do you need to know?

Wes Welker…The slot machine has been losing Brady a lot of money lately; figuratively speaking of course because we all know Brady is paid.  What I mean by that is he hasn’t been playing and when he did return last week he was ineffective.  Add that to the fact that he was limited in practice Thursday and I say no jackpot Sunday.  Sit Welker.   

Kyle Orton…No INT’s so far this year and last week he actually had a decent fantasy game.  Although, that catch-and-run by Marshall to beat the Cowboys was 5% Orton and 95% Marshall.  Belichick has a way of confusing QB’s, but Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels is from the school of Belichick and he will be definitely be looking to kill Bill.  What does all that mean?  It means don’t start Orton because you don’t know what to expect. 

Knowshon Moreno…I know ‘Shon is starting on 2 of my fantasy teams this week.  Correll Buckhalter-top is unlikely to play Sunday so I think Moreno could have a pretty good day.  The Broncos are quietly one of the better rushing teams in the league this year. 

Brandon Marshall…I like Marshall this week.  Mason had a nice fantasy day last week against the Pats, so why can’t Marshall?

From left to right:  Denver, Dallas, Oakland, Cleveland and Cincinnati.  The last 4 are the teams the Broncos have killed so far on their way to Bill (Belichick). 

Sunday night game

Indianapolis @ Tennessee…Peyton Manning has never looked better.  His team is currently riding a 13-game regular season winning streak.  The Titans-if you count the playoff loss to B-more last year-are currently on a 6-game losing streak.  The loss of Jim Schwartz as defensive coordinator has really hurt the Titans this year.

Peyton Manning…David Garrard was in beast mode last week against the Titans.  I guess that means Peyton Manning will be in Wolverine/Professor-X mode Sunday night.

Joseph Addai…10-a-key can’t stop the pass.  They’re pretty solid against the run, so live and let Addai.  Sit Joseph.

Reggie Wayne…If you got ‘em, you’re starting him this week.  You don’t need me to tell you that.

Dallas Clark…See Reggie Wayne above.

Pierre Garcon…I refuse to start a french waiter, but he might have flex value this week.  Start ‘em if you don’t have a better option.

Professor-X…His head even kinda looks like Peyton’s a little bit.

Kerry Collins…Head coach Jeff Fisher is sticking with Collins.  I guess the captain must go down with his ship.  Or maybe the captain knows that his other option-Vince Young-is a canoe with giant holes in it.  Anyway, sit Kerry.

Chris Johnson…He looks like 1 of the guys from Milli Vanilli, but plays more like the real McCoy.  Start ‘em. 

Nate Washington…He’s everybody’s flavor of the week after catching a TD pass in each of the last 3 games.  Of all my favorite flavors, ’shitty Titan’ is not 1 of them, so sit ‘em.

Monday Night Football

NY Jets @ Miami…Defense vs. Wildcat.  Growl!  Growl!  Miami will run their wildcat offense and the Jets D will make it look more like the house cat.  Meow.

Mark Sanchez…Had his 1st bad game last week.  I say he has a short memory, but I still wouldn’t start him on any of my fantasy teams.

Thomas Jones…Miami is solid against the run.  Sit TJ.

Leon Washington…He’s got beef with Channing Crowder, the same man who didn’t know that people speak English in London.  I say don’t worry about the beef.  Crowder probably won’t be able to remember Leon’s jersey number.  I’m starting him this week in a league that rewards for return yards but I’m not so sure I would in a standard league.  Start him in your flex spot if you don’t have a better option this week.   

Jerricho Cotchery…He has an injury but if he plays start ‘em.  His least productive game of the season was last week when he had 5 catches for 71 yards.

Dustin Keller…Hasn’t been a big part of the offense the last 2 games which means he should not be part of your fantasy team this week.

Braylon Edwards…A real baboon’s ass to be sure (see image below).  I think the Jets will use their new toy as a decoy, a la Mike Vick.  Sit Braylon.

Maybe Braylon should apologize to LeBron by saying those 3 magical words. 

Note:  For the Dolphins this week I’m using txt lingo…

Chad Henne…LOL!

Ronnie Brown…BYTM (Better you than me)

Ricky Williams…420 (Lets get high)

Ted Ginn Jr…LTNS (Long time no see)

Sit all Dolphins!

Jets D/ST…GGMSOT (Gotta get me some of that)

Survivor Pick…Cowboys over Chiefs.  If you’ve already used the ‘Boys then go with Vikings over Rams or Giants over Raiders.

Gut upset prediction…Jaguars over Seahawks.

Fantasy football is a game of numbers.

Unfortunately, not everyone is good at math (see image above).  Luckily for you, I am.

1 O’Clock games

Detroit @ Chicago…Bears’ run D gives up 94 yards a game + Lions run for 105 yards a game = start Kevin Smith.  There’s no backfield committee in Detroit so Smith should account for most or all of that production.  Also, if the Lions can manage to get near the goal line against my Bears, then he will be the likely candidate to punch it in.  Calvin Johnson game 1 stats (90 yds) + game 2 stats (66 total yds, 1 td) = start Calvin.  The only thing that kept game 3 from being another productive outing was the td went to the wrong Johnson…Bryant instead of Calvin.  Look for him to bounce back this week.  Lions’ run D gives up 111 yards a game + Bears run for 71 yards a game = sit Matt Forte?  Yes.  And here are a few other reasons:  Forte was limited in Wednesday’s practice with a knee injury he suffered last week + he’s averaging only 2.5 yards per carry this season + LoLions held Portis to just 42 yards last week = sit Forte!  Lions’ pass D (30th overall) gives up 278 yards a game + Bears pass for 243 yards a game = start Jay Cutler.  Jason Campbell’s numbers against Detroit last week…340 yds and 2 td’s, which was by far his best game of the season.  Which Bears’ targets do I like this week?  Cutler has thrown 6 td passes this year and  Hester, Johnny Knox-ville and Olsen have accounted for all but 1 of them.

If Brenda had a fantasy football team, she would start Calvin every week. (227 TV show)

Cincinnati @ Cleveland…Browns’ run D (30th overall) gives up 184 yards a game + Bengals run for 112 yards a game = start Cedric Benson.  Quicksand legs-as I like to call him-averaged 4.8 yards a carry and scored a rushing td last week against the stingy Steeler run D.  Look for him to have a huge game in this one.  Cleveland’s pass D gives up 228 yards a game + Cincy passes for 187 yards a game = sit Carson Palmer.  His team won’t have to rely on his arm to win this one so I don’t see him posting great fantasy numbers.  Ocho Cinco is averaging 78 yards per game so I would start him in this one.  The Browns have 1 offensive td in their last 9 games = sit all Browns!  Note:  Next time you go to the bathroom and somebody asks where you’re going, tell them “I’m takin’ the Browns to the Super Bowl“, because that is likely the only way they will ever get there.

If Tyler Perry made a movie about the football team it would be much funnier.  (Meet the Browns)

Seattle @ Indianapolis…Colts’ run D gives up 125 yards a game + Seahawks run for 112 yards a game = start Julius Jones.  I hate to say it but the numbers don’t lie.  Jones should be in for a decent game against the Colts smaller defensive front.  Indy’s pass D (10th overall) gives up just 192 yards a game + Seneca Wallace is passing for 194 yards a game = sit Seneca.  For the same reason, I don’t like any of his receivers in this one.  Seattle’s pass D is giving up just 175 yards a game + Indy (1st overall) passes for 322 yards/game = something has to give.  I say it’s Seattle’s D so start Manning.  Reggie Wayne is 1st in receiving yards in the league + Dallas Clark is 4th = start both.  Pierre Garcon has emerged as another playmaker for the Colts with 2 td’s in his last 2 games.  However, he only has 7 catches on the season.  For that reason I say sit him because you’re really just hoping that he gets into the end zone if you start him and I don’t like those odds.  Seahawks’ run D gives up 139 yards a game + Colts run for just 86 yards a game = sit Addai.

NY Giants @ Kansas City…Chiefs’ run D gives up 119 yards/game + G-men run for 142 yards/game = start Brandon Jacobs.  KC pass D (20th overall) gives up 243 yards/game + NY passes for 249 yards/game = start Eli Manning.  Eli should end up in the neighborhood of 250 passing yards and 2 td’s.  Steve Smith has 23 catches, 277 yards and 2 td’s + Mario Manningham has 17 catches, 263 yards and 2 td’s = start both.  The Giants’ D did not give up a 1st down to Tampa last week until late in the 3rd quarter + their D is 2nd overall allowing just 245 total yards/game = sit all Chiefs.

Baltimore @ New England…Patriots’ D gives up just 88 rush yards a game + Ravens rush for 156 yards a game = something has to give.  Let’s take the average (88 + 156 = 244/2 = 122).  Ray Rice starts but McGahee gets all the td’s.  I say Ray Rice gets majority of the yards and the Pats D will tighten up in the red zone.  Start Ray Rice.  Sit McGahee.  NE’s pass D (7th overall) gives up just 174 yards/game +  B-more passes for 273 yards/game (5th overall) = something has to give, again.  The average would be 223.5 which is about how many yards I think Flacco will get in this one.  The Ravens are 2nd overall in scoring offense with 34 points/game so they should be able to get atleast a couple of scores in this one.  Flacco does a great job of spreading the ball around but if I had to pick one target to start, it would be Derrick Mason.  He leads the team with 196 receiving yards.  The Ravens’ run D (1st overall) gives up just 51 yards a game = sit all NE RB’s.  The Raven’s pass D (17th overall) gives up 231 yards a game + the Pats pass offense (3rd overall) gets 287 yards/game = start Tom Brady.  He should be up in the 275-300 yard range with atleast 2 td passes.  Moss has been Brady’s favorite target this year + Welker is a game time decision = start Moss.  If Welker can go, then start both.  If Welker can’t go, then I like Ben Watson who has 2 of Brady’s 3 td passes this year.

Tampa Bay @ Washington…Worst game ever?  Probably, but it still has fantasy relevance.  Redskins’ run D gives up 127 yards/game + Derrick Ward is likely out with a knee injury = start Cadillac Williams.  Washington’s pass D gives up 198 yards/game + Joe Johnson’s 1st start = sit Joe Johnson.  He’s replacing Leftwich and I’m sure there was a reason Leftwich began the season as the starter over Johnson.  Kellen Winslow is the Bucs leading receiver with 15 catches and 2 td’s, but I don’t trust starting him with a new QB this week.  Tampa’s run D (31st overall) gives up 187 yards/game + Portis should be playing in this one = start Portis.  I know he hasn’t done anything so far this year to warrant a start, but I have to hope that he can do it this week because I have him in 2 leagues.  The Bucs’ pass D gives up 245 yards/game + the ‘Skins pass for 249 yards a game = start Jason Campbell.  He should get somewhere between 250-300 yards and expect atleast one of his 2 top receivers-Moss or Cooley-to score in this one.  I would start both against that sorry Tampa D.

Tampa Bay vs. Washington 2009 has officially taken the title as worst game ever.

Tennessee @ Jacksonville…Jags’ run D gives up 100 yards/game + Titans run for 151 yards/game = start Chris Johnson.  Jags’ pass D (dead last overall) gives up 281 yards/game + Titans pass for 200 yards/game = start Kerry Collins if you don’t have a better option this week.  And if you are in need of a receiver I would go with Justin Gage.  He leads the team with 13 receptions.  Tennessee’s run D (2nd overall) gives up just 60 yards/game + the most rushing yards a RB has had this year against the Titans’ D is 46 by Leon Washington = sit Mo-Jo.  Titans’ pass D (29th overall) is giving up 274 yards/game = start David Garrard in deeper leagues if your QB is on bye.  Mike Sims-Walker has become Garrard’s favorite target with 6 receptions in each of their last 2 games.  Start him against the Titans who are giving up 23 points a game to their oppostion this season.

Mo-Jo might as well stay in bed Sunday morning.

Oakland @ Houston…Texans’ run D (dead last overall) gives up 205 yards/game + Raiders rush for 119 yards/game, which is dead last = something has to give.  I say it’s the Raiders.  Jamarcus Russell’s completion percentage is 41.3!  Shaq shoots free throws better than that.  Houston will gang up on the run with no fear of Jabooty beating them with his arm = sit McFadden.  Oakland’s run D (28th overall) gives up 155 yards a game + Houston runs for just 70 yards/game, which is 30th overall = something has to give.  Again, I say it’s the Raiders.  Matt Shaub has put up good fantasy numbers his last 2 games and will continue to do so against an average (14th overall) Raider pass D, which will open up the running game = start Shaub and Slaton.  Shaub will be going to his favorite targets in this one…Andre the Johnson and Owen Daniels.

The Raiders will be in a very giving mood Sunday, much like their security staff in this photo.

4 O’Clock games

NY Jets @ New Orleans…The game of the week.  Defense vs Offense.  Saints’ run D (5th overall) gives up just 67 yards/game + Jets run for 130 yards/game = sit Thomas Jones.  He and Leon Washington are sharing the duties, so I say they both get about 50 rushing yards.  However, Leon gets catches out of the backfield as well = start Leon Washington.  Orleans’ pass D (10th overall) gives up 245 yards/game + NY only passes for 185 yards/game = sit Mark ‘Dirty’ Sanchez.  He’ll manage this game well enough for the Jets to pull off the upset, but he won’t have great fantasy numbers.  I do, however, like his top 2 targets in this one, Jerricho Cotchery and Dustin Keller.  Jets’ run D (9th overall) gives up just 82 yards/game + Saints run for 170 yards/game, which is 2nd overall = sit Pierre Thomas and Reggie Bush.  I don’t like starting a RB in a committee when the team is only going to have about 100 total rushing yards for the game.  NY’s pass D (5th overall) gives up just 173 yards/game + Buffalo held Brees in check last week = sit Drew Brees!  Yeah, I said it.  The Jets D is better than the Bills D and I think Rex Ryan uses what Buffalo did last week to stifle Brees and the Saints’ vaunted passing attack.  Darrelle Revis shutdown Andre Johnson week 1 + Revis shutdown Randy Moss week 2 = sit Marques Colston.  So who do I like from the #1 overall offense this week?  Heath Evans.  The Saints will score 1 td in this game and by process of elimination I give it to Heath.  Allow me to show you the equation I used to come to this conclusion…Pierre, Reggie, Brees, Colston, Shockey = Heath Evans.  Final score:  Jets 24, Saints 13

Buffalo @ Miami…Marshawn Lynch is back + Dolphins’ run D (3rd overall) gives up just 66 yards/game = sit Marshawn Lynch and Fred Jackson.  Miami’s pass D (26th overall) gives up 264 yards/game + Buffalo is passing for just 186 yards/game = Trent Edwards will have a decent game but not enough to warrant a fantasy start.  Last week TO was held without a reception for the first time since his rookie season in 1996, putting an end to a 185-game streak that was the third-longest in NFL history + Miami’s porous pass D = start TO.  I bet he’s in Trent Edwards’, Dick Jauron’s and anybody else’s ear that will listen to him about how the offense struggled because he didn’t get the ball last week.  Expect the Bills to target Owens early and often.  Chad Pennington is done for the season, which means we should see more wildcat in this one + Buffalo gave up 126 rushing yards to Pierre in the 2nd half last week = start Ronnie Brown.  Ted Ginn Jr has been too inconsistent for me to warrant a start this week.

St. Louis @ San Francisco…49ers’ run D (4th overall) gives up just 66 yards/game = sit Steven Jackson.  He’s been the only bright spot for the Rams this year but P-Willis and company will be ready for him.  Bulger is out and his replacement-Kyle Boller-threw 2 td passes last week, both to TE Daniel Fells.  The 49ers are 24th in pass defense + we don’t really know what to expect of Boller = I’m hoping the Rams can score some points in this game because my opponent has the 49ers’ D going against me, but I still wouldn’t recommend starting Boller.  Frank Gore is out for 3 weeks + Rams’ run D gives up 148 yards/game = start Glen Coffee.  Vernon Davis has finally emerged as San Fran’s go-2 receiver with 14 catches, 168 yards and 2 td’s.  I’m starting him this week with Tony Gonzalez on bye and I would suggest you do the same.

Dallas @ Denver…Another intriguing matchup.  Dallas’ 3rd ranked offense vs. Denver’s top ranked defense.  The real question here…Is Denver’s D for real?  They’ve played Cincy, Cleveland and Oakland so far this season and Cincy-ranked 24th overall-has the best offense of the 3.  Bronco’s run D gives up just 78 yards/game + Cowboys run for 193 yards/game, which is 1st overall + Marion Barber is back and Felix Jones is out = start Marion Barber.  He should get at or near 100 yards and have atleast 1 td in this one.  For that same reason I say sit Tashard Choice.  Broncos’ pass D (2nd overall) gives up just 136 yards/game.  This is in large part due to the fact they’ve played Brady Quinn and JaMarcus Russell the last 2 weeks.  Romo will do better than 136 yards but I don’t think he has a big day Sunday.  The Broncos have forced 8 turnovers through 3 games and I can see Romo giving the pigskin away a couple of times in this one.  I do, however, like Romo’s roomy…TE Jason Witten.  Dallas’ run D gives up 117 yards/game + Denver runs for 158 yards/game, which is 4th overall = start Knowshon Moreno.  Buckhalter is quietly averaging over 7 yards a carry this year, but Knowshon has more rushing attempts, which is why I give the nod to Moreno.  The Cowboys have given up yards to a few receivers this year, including Mark Clayton from Tampa Bay and to the Giants’ Steve Smith and Mario Manningham.  That leads me to conclude that Brandon Marshall could have a big game in this one = start Marshall.  Dallas poor pass D still is not enough to warrant a start from Mr. Fantasy Irrelevant, Kyle Orton.

Broncos’ fans had some bad things to say about head coach Josh McDaniels before the season started, but with a win this week they’ll be 4-0.

Sunday night game

San Diego @ Pittsburgh…Steelers’ run D (6th overall) is giving up just 76 yards/game + LT is just coming back from injury = sit LT.  Chargers rush for 66 yards/game, which is 31st overall = sit Darren Sproles too.  Pitt’s pass D (15th overall) is giving up 212 yards/game + Chargers pass for 315 yards/game, which is 2nd overall = start Philip Rivers.  Look for Rivers to go to his 2 favorite targets…V-Jax and Gates.  Willie Parker is doubtful for this one + Chargers’ run D gives up 142 yards/game = start Mendenhall?  I say no, because Pitt is rushing for only 81 yards/game + he’ll share carries with Mewelde Moore.  San Diego pass D gives up just 179 yards/game + Steelers pass for 265 yards/game = start Big Ben.  Pittsburgh just can’t get the running game going which means they’re relying on Rape-lisberger to win games for them.  Expect this one to be a shootout +  Hines Ward and San-antonio Holmes are the Steelers’ leading receivers = start both.

Rapelisberger can’t wait to give it to that San Diego D Sunday night in Pittsburgh.

Green Bay @ Minnesota…If Jets vs. Saints is the game of the week, then this has to be the game of the century!  Brett Favre facing the team that basically showed him the door after so many glorious seasons.  The pupil vs. the teacher…Aaron Rodgers vs. Favre.  There will be plenty of emotion in this one, but let’s put that aside and take a closer look at the numbers.  Vikings’ run D (12th overall) gives up 92 yards/game + Packers run for 105 yards/game = sit Ryan Grant.  Another reason would be that Grant hasn’t had a 100 yard game this season.  Vikes’ pass D (4th overall) gives up just 167 yards/game + Pack passes for 207 yards/game = sit Aaron Rodgers?  I say no.  Rodgers struggled week 1 but has put up 261 and 269 yards in his last 2 games + Minnesota has played Cleveland, Detroit and San Fran-neither of whom have a strong passing attack-so far = start Aaron Rodgers.  Rodgers will be going to his 2 favorite targets in this one, Greg Jennings and Donald Driver.  Green Bay’s run D (23rd overall) gives up 128 yards/game +  Minny runs for 143 yards/game, which is 7th overall = start Adrian Peterson.  I’m looking for him to have a huge game in this one with atleast 2 td’s.  Packer’s pass D gives up 207 yards/game + Vikings pass for just 173 yards/game = sit Favre.  If the Vikings want to win Monday night, they will put the game on Peterson’s legs and not Brett’s arm.  Percy Harvin leads the team in receiving yards + he’s scored a td in each of the 1st 3 games = start him.

Team D/ST…The following are Team Defenses/Special Teams that I would start this week…Bears, Bengals, Colts, Giants, Texans, Jets and 49ers.

Survivor Pick…Giants over the Chiefs.  If you’ve already used the G-men, then go with Cincinnati over Cleveland or Indianapolis over Seattle.

Mathematical upset predictions…Jets over Saints and Broncos over Cowboys.

Well, I hope all you peters learned something today.

“I will not allow you to lecture me about the merits of emotion.” (Spock…Star Trek 2009).  This week you should do away with your weak human emotions and start thinking more logically, like me.

Fantasy football: the final frontier.  These are the continuing voyages of my fantasy football teams.  Their ongoing mission: to explore strange new leagues, to seek out new waiver wire acquistions; to boldly go where no fantasy team has gone before…this year’s championship!

1 O’Clock games

Washington @ Detroit…One human emotion is sadness, and that is exactly how you will feel if you watch this game.  Now let’s put that aside and try to determine which fantasy players will excel in this one, using logic.  Detroit is giving up 134.5 rushing yards per game so start Portis.  He was limited in Wednesday’s practice with an ankle injury.  Continue to monitor reports, although it doesn’t seem serious enough to keep him out of the game.  Also keep in mind Washington did not score a TD against the Rams last week so I would not start anyone else on this team other than Chris Cooley.  He has the team’s only receiving TD so far this year and leads the team with 151 yards through the 1st 2 games.  The Redskins allowed Steven Jackson to gain over 100 yards rushing last week so start Kevin Smith.  Another reason is that he’s their 2nd leading receiver behind Calvin Johnson, a must start every week.

Green Bay @ St. Louis…Surprise is another emotion.  The Packers have to be feeling a bit surprised after they lost to Cincinnati last week in Lambeau.  The Rams were surprised that they almost won a game, as were a lot of people in my survivor pool who picked against them last week.  The Rams are giving up 146 rushing yards per game.  Start Ryan Grant.  The Rams are also near the bottom of the league in passing yards allowed.  Start Aaron Rodgers and Greg Jennings.  Jennings put up a donut last week so look for Rodgers to target him early and often in this one.  For that reason I would sit Donald Driver.  I know it’s the Rams, but that doesn’t mean everyone for the Pack will have a big day.  As I mentioned earlier, Steven Jackson hit the century mark last week and somebody has to get yards for them, right?  Start Jackson.  Sit all other Rams.

San Francisco @ Minnesota…Everyone should be excited about this one.  The unstoppable force (Adrian Peterson) vs. the immovable object (Patrick Willis).  We’ll get back to that.  First, allow me to share my emotions on Frank Gore’s performance last week.  Disgust comes to mind.  My opponent had Frank and Chris Johnson going against me in the perfect storm of shitty events.  Needless to say, I lost.    But now I have to put emotion aside, channel my inner vulcan, and logically break this one down.  Minnesota is allowing 109 rushing yards per game, which is a little surprising for them.  The lack of a reliable downfield threat should mean the Vikings will focus their attention on Gore.  If you drafted him then you are probably going to start him this week, but I don’t see him having a big day.  I dropped ’sweet’ Shaun Hill as McNabb’s replacement because he did nothing against Seattle.  I expect the same in week 3 which leads me to conclude that you should sit all ‘9-ers.  Adrian Peterson is going to have his work cut out for him trying to get by Patrick Willis.  I don’t expect Peterson to have a huge day because San Fran is giving up just 53 rushing yards per game.  However, I see him crossing the goal line atleast once and maybe twice in this one.  Brett hasn’t posted any big fantasy numbers so far this year and that trend will continue in this one.  Percy Harvin is Minny’s baking soda, meaning there are so many different ways to use him.  The question is should you use him in your lineup?  I say no.  He has 2 TD’s but only 77 receiving yards so far this year.  So you are really just hoping that he crosses the goal line and I don’t like those odds.

This is what I looked like when Frank Gore and Chris Johnson were playing Sunday.

Atlanta @ New England…Fear is the emotion to notice in this one.  Everyone seems to fear that Brady and his bunch have lost their mojo.  I don’t falcon think so!  Brady is going to work over that young Falcons secondary.  Brent Grimes, Chris Houston, Thomas DeCoud and Erick Coleman.  That’s the Falcons starting secondary unit.  The only name I recognize is Erick Coleman.  If John Abraham isn’t in Brady’s face all day then expect a big day from Captain America.  So who will he be throwing to?  Randy Moss of course.  Randy was shutdown last week by Darrelle Revis; the same man who shutdown Andre Johnson in week 1.  And we all saw what Andre was able to do last week against the Titans.  No Revis means that Randy will be dandy once again.  Wes Welker is still a question mark with a knee injury.  Monitor reports and if he is able to go, then start him.  Welker is Brady’s slot machine and usually hits the jackpot when he’s on the field.  Sit all NE RB’s.  For Atlanta you have to start ’Burner’ Turner.  The Pats have been stout against the run (103 yards per game) but the Falcons will be leaning on their star back extra heavy in an attempt to keep Brady and co. off the field.  For that reason you should sit Matt Ryan and Roddy White.  T-Gonz is their leading receiver with 144 yards and 2 TD’s.  Start him every week.

Tennessee @ NY Jets…If the Titans were playing defense this year like they did last year, then I could see this game ending in regulation with a 0-0 tie.  The J-E-T-S have not allowed an offensive TD this year!  And it’s not like they haven’t played a good offense yet.  Houston and New England can both put points on the board in a hurry.  Chris Johnson may have destroyed me last week, but he will get shutdown Sunday.  Mark my words.  And no, revenge is not a factor in me saying that because I am void of all emotion, I’m thinking logically.  The Jets will continue their stingy ways.  Sit all Titans!  Speaking of the Titans, this is f*cked up!

“We were not intending to be distasteful, and we apologize if we offended anyone.”  –Kings Island Amusement Park

As for the Jets, sit Thomas Jones because you cannot run on Tennessee.  Their pass defense is dead last through 2 weeks but their run defense is 2nd only to the Ravens.  Sit Leon Washington as well.  Cotchery should have a good game in this one.  He had 90 yards week 1 and 87 week 2.  The only other player I would start in this one would be Dustin Keller, the Jets TE.  Sanchez has shown poise beyond his years so far, but he hasn’t posted great fantasy numbers.  Don’t expect him to in this one either.  It’s going to be a low scoring game, so sit ‘dirty’ Sanchez.

Dirty Sanchez, Stinky Hitler and Filthy Fernando…which is your preference?

Kansas City @ Philadelphia…The Chiefs did not look good in losing to Oakland last week.  Philly’s D was shredded by the Saints.  So what to make of this one?  Philly’s D is better than they played last week.  The strength of their defense seems to be in the secondary.  For that reason sit Matt Cassel.  Start Larry Johnson?  No.  He’s averaging just 2.8 yards a carry, has no scores and is facing a defense with something to prove.  Dwayne Bowe already has 2 scores this year but less than 100 receiving yards.  I don’t think he scores in this one so sit him too.  The Iggles have 4 QB’s on the roster.  McNabb will not play in this one.  I don’t know what the reports say right now but Andy Reid is not going to risk him against the Chiefs.  They can win with the guy I picked up this week…Kevin ‘corn on the’ Kolb.  He threw for 391 yards and 2 TD’s last week.  Vick will see his first real action this week also, but I don’t expect him to take away too many of Kolb’s attempts.  Jeff Garcia is irrelevant right now.  Ok, I’ve established that I like Kolb in this game, but who will he be throwing to?  Brent ‘Magnum PI’ Celek.  The Iggles TE had 8 catches for 104 yards last week.  That’s telling me that he and Kolb have a chemistry.  That’s funny, because I don’t remember Magnum PI having a partner.  Anyway, DeSean Jackson is banged up but I just read reports that he was a full participant at practice Friday.  If he goes, start him.  Westbrook is also banged up and I’m going with the McNabb theory for B-West too.  Why risk your star players against the Chiefs.  I say he sits and the rookie-LeSean McCoy-puts up good numbers in his place.

If Tom Selleck was Magnum PI, then Brent Celek should be Magnum TE.

NY Giants @ Tampa Bay…Reports are that Plaxico Burress received a rough welcome in jail…

And he thought Cowboys fans were nasty. Plaxico Burress got a zero’s welcome behind bars at Rikers Island, including taunts of “a – - hole!” and “The Giants suck!” according to jail guards.   ”He was depressed,” said one guard from Rikers, where the former Giants superstar spent his first-ever night behind bars. “He was trying to keep to himself, but everyone was yelling at him.” “These people got nothing,” a second guard explained of the taunts. “What else are they gonna do?”   – SI.com

I think it’s safe to say the taunts of “a – - hole” were in reference to what the inmates wanted from Plaxico.  And “The Giants suck!” was referring to what Plax could do for the inmates.

For the G-men this week start Eli Manning.  The Bucs defense is ranked 2nd to last in yards allowed.  Brandon Jacobs has gotten off to a slow start but that will change this week.  Mario Manningham says his sore shoulder is not an issue.  I believe him and I’m starting him this week as my flex.  I don’t have Steve Smith on any of my teams, but if I did I would probably start him too.  For the Tampa Bay ‘Butt Pirates’-sorry Plax, I couldn’t help myself-sit Leftwich.  He’s facing a Giants D that is giving up just 157 passing yards a game.  They held Romo to 127 yards and pressured him into throwing 3 INT’s last week.  However, the G-Men have been soft against the run.  Cadillac is on the injury report this week so Derrick Ward will see an increased workload as well as good fantasy numbers.

Cleveland @ Baltimore…Cleveland has 1 offensive TD in its last 8 games.  Where was my logic when I drafted Braylon Edwards in 2 leagues?  Anyway, I’m holding out hope that he gets it together this week because the Ravens D has been getting torched through the air.  So I’m starting Braylon, but just in 1 league.  That shows you how much faith I have in him.  The Ravens D is, however, #1 against the run; yielding just 41 yards a game.  Jamal Lewis is out this week so don’t expect James Davis or Jerome Harrison to have any impact.  The Browns’ D has been surprisingly good against the pass.  I’m betting this is more due to the fact that they’re giving up 205 yards a game on the ground.  Why pass on Mangini’s D when you can run all over it?  Start Ray Rice and McGahee this week.  Without the need to pass I don’t see Flacco posting big numbers.  Todd Heap is definitely a threat to score in the red zone, so start him if you don’t have a better option at TE.

Jacksonville @ Houston…Houston is dead last against the run.  Start Mo-Jo.  Houston is not that great against the pass either, but who do you like from the Jacksonville aerial assault?  Nobody?  Me either.  Jacksonville is solid against the run but as easy as a $20 hooker to pass on.  Start Matt Shaub, Andre the Johnson and Owen Daniels.  Sit Slaton.

4 O’Clock games

New Orleans @ Buffalo…For those of you who saw the latest Star Trek movie, Drew Brees is like red matter, everyone is trying to get him and he’s extremely potent.  And just like the red matter, he’s going to open some holes of his own in the Bills secondary on Sunday.  Buffalo is next to last in pass defense giving up 332 yards a game.  The only question is who will he be throwing to?  Bell and Moore will miss the game.  Colston has been his favorite target with 11 catches and 3 TD’s.  Start Colston, Devery Henderson-who leads the team in receiving yards-and Reggie Bush.  With Bell out and Pierre Thomas still not at 100%, Bush should get more touches.  The Saints D is giving up just 56 rushing yards a game.  I don’t think their run defense is as good as the numbers suggest.  They haved scored early and often which is forcing their opponents to throw the ball in an attempt to keep pace.  If Dick Jauron was smart he would run, run, run the ball to keep Brees on the sideline, but he’s not.  I still like Fred Jackson to have a decent fantasy day in this one.  He’s Buffalo’s leading receiver with 11 catches.  After the Bills get down by 2 or 3 scores, they’ll be forced to pass.  For that reason Trent Edwards will also put up numbers and I expect TO to finally have a break out game Sunday.

Chicago @ Seattle…The Seahawks run D was gashed last week and that trend will continue.  Forte should have a monster game.  With the Bears leaning more towards their run game, sit Jay Cutler in this one.  He’s done a good job of spreading the ball around to various receivers, so it’s hard to predict which one will have the better game.  Johnny Knox-ville is their leading receiver so far, but don’t be surprised if he has a mediocre day.  Seneca Wallace gets the start with Hasselbeck out so don’t expect much from the Seahawks’ passing game.  If the 1st 2 weeks were any indication, then the Bears’ D is back.  They will smother Julius Jones like gravy on biscuits so sit him if you have him.

Miami @ San Diego…Where is Shawn Merriman and the Chargers’ D?  He should imagine Chad Pennington is Tila Tequila and choke the shit out of him!  He needs to visualize and attack, just like Adam Sandler in Waterboy.  Now back to logic.  Ronnie Brown should have a solid fantasy day.  Ted Ginn Jr had a breakout performance last week and look for him to do the same in this one.  Start any others Dolphins at your own risk.  LT has been ruled out and although Miami gives up just 64 rushing yards a game, I actually would start Sproles because of his ability to catch out of the backfield.  Peyton Manning showed us on Monday night that the Dolphins D is susceptible to the pass so start Rivers-and his new favorite target-Vincent Jackson.  If you drafted Gates then you got him early which means you’re going to start him every week.

Merriman needs to find his tackling fuel.

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati…The Bengals have been solid against the run and the Steelers have had no success running the ball.  Sit Willie Parker.  Big Ben will have a decent fantasy day.  Start him if you like 225 yards and a TD or 2.  San-antonio Holmes had a bad case of the dropsies in Chicago but he will rebound against Cincy.  He’s likely to be Big Ben’s main target so sit Hines Ward.  Nobody runs against Pitt.  Sit Cedric Benson.  Carson Palmer will match Roethlisberger’s numbers but he’ll have 3+ turnovers to go with it.  With Chris Henry out look for Ocho Cinco to have a big day.

Denver @ Oakland…Oakland’s run D is giving up 125 yards a game.  Denver is rushing for 130 yards a game.  I think Knowshon will get 80-100 of those yards and a TD.  Kyle Orton will manage the game well but he won’t do enough to warrant a fantasy start.  Losing Cutler has definitely had a negative effect on Brandon Marshall’s numbers.  Combine that with the fact that he’s facing one of the best cornerbacks in the league in Nnamdi Asomugha-if you don’t believe me check out his commercial-and it should be a long day for Marshall.  Denver is giving up 70 yards on the ground per game and 183 passing.  Oakland is 29th in total offense.  Denver’s D is quietly 2nd overall.  Do the math.  Sit all Raiders.

Sunday night game

Indianapolis @ Arizona…Indy has trouble stopping the run, but ‘Zona is no rushing power.  The Cardinals also have 2 backs sharing carries.  What to do?  I would recommend starting Hightower in your flex position but sit Beanie Wells, who fumbled twice last week.  Indy’s D is great against the pass.  ‘Zona has one of most dangerous passing attacks in the league.  Something has to give.  Kurt Warner set an NFL record for accuracy last week so I expect him to have the hot hand again.  Start Kurt Warner and his two big playmakers, Fitzgerald and Boldin.  The Cards have yet to face a good passing team.  Peyton Manning should have good numbers in a game I expect to be an old fashioned shoot-out between 2 old gunslingers.  Start the law firm of Manning, Wayne and Clark in this one.  The Cards D did-however-hold Gore and MoJo in check so you should sit Joseph Addai.

From left to right:  The Bad (Peyton Manning), The Good (Kurt Warner) and The Ugly (Matt Leinart).  Note:  I have Kurt Warner on 1 of my fantasy teams.

Monday night game

Carolina @ Dallas…The Cowboys are ranked 23rd in defensive rushing yards allowed.  Start DeAngelo Williams.  The Cowboys pass D hasn’t been much better.  At the same time Delhomme has been terrible.  Don’t expect much of the Panthers passing attack other than from Steve Smith.  He should have a good game under the bright lights of Monday Night Football.  The Guiness Book of World Records will be making a special visit to Cowboys stadium Monday night and Romo is being criticized by former Dallas great Tony Dorsett.  Neither has anything to do with fantasy football.  The Panthers D is 27th against the run and 3rd in pass defense.  With Barber injured I expect Felix Jones to have a huge game.  I don’t see Romo posting big numbers as far as passing yards but I expect him to throw a score or 2.  And just to quiet the critics he will be turnover free Monday night.  Witten is a must start every week but I don’t like any Cowboy receivers in this one.

Team D/ST…The following are Team Defenses/Special Teams that I would start this week…Redskins, Packers, Vikings, Titans, Jets, Eagles, Ravens, Bears, Steelers and Broncos.

Survivor Pick…Baltimore over Cleveland.  If you’ve already used the Ravens, then go with Green Bay over St. Louis.  Logic would suggest taking Washington over Detroit but the Redskins inability to score against St. Louis last week suggests otherwise.  Chicago over Seattle is also a good pick for week 3.

Logical upset prediction…Miami over San Diego.

May all your fantasy teams live long and prosper.  Unless, of course, you are playing against me.  Then I will be forced to apply the Vulcan Death Grip…

I am no Stradamus, but like him, I have some predictions of my own.

1 O’Clock games

Carolina @ Atlanta…Look for DeAngelo to bounce back this week.  I know the Dolphins didn’t do much on the ground last week vs. Atlanta but I like DeAngelo to have a solid game in this one.  The Panthers will be handing the ball off a bunch just to prevent Delhomme from turning it over so much.  For that reason I don’t like Steve Smith as much this week.  For Atlanta, I like T-Gonz.  Hell, I have him on 2 of my 3 fantasy teams, so I like him every week.  I’m not sold on Roddy White, maybe T-Gonz coming to the ATL has hurt his value as a fantasy player.  I do however like Matt Ryan to have another solid performance.  Philly averaged 5.8 yards per carry last week against the Panthers, so I like ‘Burner’ Turner to break the 100 yard mark.

Minnesota @ Detroit…I’m salivating at the thought of what Adrian Peterson could do to the LOLions Sunday.  He had 180 and 3 TD’s on a grass field last week, so that converts to 200 and 4 on turf.  The only other guy I really like for the Vikes is their swiss army knife, Percy Harvin.  As for Detroit, there are 2 people I like…Calvin and Johnson.  He’s a beast on a sorry squad, so start him every week.

Cincinnati @ Green Bay…Ever since I found out that Carson Palmer has lady parts, I vowed never to draft him again.  And I stuck to my guns this year.  With that being said I really don’t like anybody for Cincy this week against a very good Green Bay defense.  So if you have quicksand legs-aka Cedric Benson-I would sit him as well.  Look for the Pack to put up some points this week.  Aaron Rodgers will have a good game, much better than the 184 and 1 he had against my Chicago Bears.  For that same reason, I like Greg Jennings to have a strong game.  Ryan Grant had a TD last week but only averaged 3.8 yards per carry.  Look for him to bounce back and get at or near 100 yards. 

All Cedric Benson owners should adhere to this.

Houston @ Tennessee…You just have to love what Dunta Robinson did last week.  The Texans fined Robinson $25,000 for conduct detrimental to the team Wednesday for wearing shoes that read “Pay Me, Rick” on the back.  Those three words on the back of his shoes were directed at general manager Rick Smith, who designated Robinson as the franchise player when they failed to agree on a long-term contract in February.  I am doing this.  “Pay Me, Denny” will be on the back of my kicks tomorrow.  Note: Denny is not my boss’ actual name.  That way if he ever reads this, he can’t fire me.  And in response, his shoes would read “Come to work, on time, Eddie”. 

For the Texans, I like Andre Johnson.  Santonio and Hines both had over 100 yards against the Titans last week so I don’t see why Andre the Johnson can’t do the same.  Besides, they won’t be able to run against 10-a-key, so sit Slaton.  Justin Gage and Kenny Britt had solid fantasy numbers against Pitt, but I think that was more of a result of them not being able to run on the defending champs.  I think Gage will have a solid game.  He seems to be Kerry Collins go-2-guy.  Look for Chris Johnson to have a big game and I also think LenDale will cross the goal line in this one.  Note:  Maybe LenDale should get back on the tequila, because a fat ass can only help near the G-line.

Oakland @ Kansas City…Ewww.  I hope this game is not televised.  If Matt Cassel plays this week then you should start him and Dwyane Bowe.  I actually like Bowe either way.  I don’t like LJ.  Richard Seymour made a big difference for the Raiders’ D last week while allowing the Chargers to get just 3.3 yards per carry.  As for Oakland, I like run DMC and Bush this week.  The Ravens ran all over the Chiefs and I think Oakland will try to do the same.  I know Louis Murphy had a decent 1st game but I don’t like any of the Raiders’ WR’s.  Zach Miller is JaMarcus Jabooty Russell’s safety valve, so start ‘em unless you have a better option at TE. 

New England @ NY Jets…Now this one should be interesting.  I wanna see this one more than any other game this weekend.  Not only because of the trash talking that’s been taking place but for the chess match that will take place between Rex Ryan’s defense and Bill Beli’s offense.  I happen to think that the Jets defensive performance against the Texans last week was no fluke, and they will undoubtedly cause some problems for the Brady bunch.  With that being said, I still like Brady to have a nice fantasy day.  His favorite targets-Randy and Wes-are must starts every week.  I don’t like Ben ‘I sound like I’m from London’ Watson this week.  He’ll be too concerned with David Harris trying to take his head off.  It would be wise to sit all NE RB’s.  Their backfield is a cluster f*ck, a sausage party.  In fact, it’s like IHOS…International House of Sausage.  J-E-T-S, Brett, Brett, Brett.  Wait, he’s a Viking now.  J-E-T-S, Mark Sanchez.  The rookie had a nice debut, but I wouldn’t look to start him against the Pats.  I do like Leon Washington this week and I’m starting him in my 16-team league.  I’m not so sure about Thomas Jones.  He had over a 100 and 2 TD’s last week but I don’t see him duplicating that against the Pats.  Cotchery should have a solid game being that he’s the #1 receiver in NY now. 

New Orleans @ Philadelphia…Drew Brees looked like ‘fantasy Jesus’ last week.  If so, then Philly’s D was the anti-Christ, just ask Delhomme.  So something has to give.  Brees will have a good fantasy day again, but don’t expect 6 TD’s.  I’m guessing he’ll have 3 this week and possibly a couple of picks and/or fumbles to go with it.  So who will those 3 TD passes go to?  That is the question my son-friends.  I’m starting Lance Moore in 1 league so I’m hoping he gets 1 of ‘em.  Let’s say the other 2 will be split between Colston and dare I say it, Shockey.  I’m sitting Bush this week and will continue to do so until he proves me wrong.  Don’t expect Mike Bell to run wild on the Iggles like he did in Detroit last week.  In Philly the big question is on Donovan’s health and whether or not he will start.  Scientific tests have shown that Chunky soup does nothing to improve a cracked rib, so I’m sitting Dono this week.  Another reason is that he threw for only 79 yards last week.  If you have Dono, please do not start Kevin ‘corn on the’ Kolb.  Find somebody else to go with.  Luckily for me I drafted ’sweet’ Shaun Hill and I’m goin with him over an injured Dono.  If McNabb doesn’t play, then I don’t like any of the Philly WR’s.  If he does, then start DeSean Jackson with confidence.  Either way, the Iggles will focus more on the running game this week so I like Westbrook to have a big day. 

St. Louis @ Washington…Watching the Rams is like having a cat piss in your eyes.  It’s painful.  Don’t start any Rams.  I happen to like several ‘Skins this week though.  Clinton Porti-John will dump all over the Rams D.  I’m starting Santana Moss in one league and Randle-El in another.  I also like Jason Campbell and Chris Cooley this week.  Chainsaw Dan, he’s our man, if he can’t do it, then he’ll sue more fans. 

Maybe she should have played more bingo to supplement her income.

Arizona @ Jacksonville…The Cards really let me down last week.  I had a premonition at about 11:30 Sunday morning.  I was outside smoking a cigarette looking skyward for a sign of some kind that might help me know what was going to happen on the first Sunday of the season.  And there it was!  A plane flew by overhead and it hit me.  “Everything that flies will prevail” was the voice I heard in my head.  It was even more apparent when me and my buddy were sitting in his car at about noon smoking a um, cigarette, and we saw a little bird sitting on a sign right in front of us.  It was like he was trying to tell us the same thing.  Man, those cigarettes take you to a higher state of consciousness.  Anyway, it turned out to be true.  Well, almost.  The Falcons, Eagles, Ravens, Jets and Seahawks all won-and most of them were impressive victories.  Me and my roommate argued about whether or not the Saints and Chargers could be considered things that fly.  I wasn’t buying that 1 but they both won also.  The lone team with a flying mascot that did not win was?  You guessed it, the Cardinals.  I have Warner on 1 team and Fitz and Boldin together on another.  I sat Boldin last week because he was injured but I’m starting both this week.  So I’m hoping for good numbers from all 3.  Manning threw for just over 300 yards against the Jags last week and we all know the Cards can’t run.  Don’t expect too many more 12 reception outings for those of you who picked up Hightower this week.  RB’s just don’t catch the ball that much, not consistently anyway.  One thing I did like about the Cards last week was there run D.  Frank Gore had 22 carries for 30 yards!  But for those of you that drafted MJD, you have to roll with your # 1 draft pick.  Maybe he can make up for the lack of rushing yards with some catches out of the backfield.  I’m not a big fan of Garrard or the Jags passing game.

Cardinal Kurt Warner…proof that some cardinals don’t fly.

4 O’Clock games

Tampa Bay @ Buffalo…In looking for a replacement for McNabb I keep coming across this Leftwich fella on the waiver wire, but cannot find the gumption to pull the trigger on picking him up.  Maybe it’s because I’ve seen him play before.  He looked good last week but I don’t trust it.  For that same reason, I don’t like any of the Tampa WR’s.  The Bucs do have a new toy in the backfield.  The Cadillac ain’t sittin on cinder blocks no mo’.  I drafted him in 1 league but didn’t start him last week.  I won’t be making the same mistake twice.  On a couple of runs against the ‘Boys last week he looked like a cadillac in a head-on collision with a 10-speed.  He was running people over!  Derrick Ward makes the Tampa backfield picture a little more cloudy, but they can’t both be beasts every week.  So go with ‘da Lac’ this week.  New England shadowed TO very effectively and held him to just 2 catches.  Look for TO to bounce back this week.  I wouldn’t start Evans until he proved himself if I was you.  Fred Jackson did a good job in filling in for the suspended Marshawn Lynch last week, but don’t look for him to go beast mode against the Bucs.  As for Trent Edwards, only start him if you have to. 

Seattle @ San Francisco…The Seahawks were dominant last week.  But everybody looks dominant against the Rams.  John Carlson appears to be Hasselbeck’s BFF, so start him with confidence.  Nate Burleson would have had a good game if he wasn’t so fumblicious last week.  I don’t trust players whose favorite candy bar is butterfingers, so sit ‘em.  I think Housh-man will have a solid game but nothing to write home about.  Julius Jones was 1 of only 5 backs to have 100 yards last week.  Guess what?  P. Willis will make sure that doesn’t happen again.  Sit Julius.  I think Gore will put up better rushing numbers this week and I like him for atleast 1 score.  Like I said before, I’m starting Shaun Hill, but only because I don’t have any better options.  I do like father time, Isaac Bruce, to produce this week.  He’s Hill’s # 1 guy.  I would make Vernon Davis prove he can get it done before I went with him.  There are just too many good TE’s out there to settle for his 40 receiving yards every week.   

Pittsburgh @ Chicago…Rape-lisberger put up big numbers last week because the Steelers couldn’t run the ball at all against the Titans.  He won’t have 300 yards passing in this one but I can see him throwing a couple TD’s.  The Bears lost Urlacher for the year so I look for Willie Parker to bounce back.  I still don’t think he hits the 100 yard mark and we all know about his troubles at the goal line.  For those reasons, he’s staying put on my bench this week.  Santonio Holmes looked like the Super Bowl MVP last week.  I was not expecting that at all.  I like Holmes again in this one.  Hines Ward also had over 100 yards last week but he won’t in this one.  Now to ’da Bears’.  I’m a huge Bears fan.  Needless to say, I was torn up about the loss on Sunday night.  Especially after that horrible fake punt play late in the game on their own 32-yard line.  I think Cutler will do a better job of taking what the defense gives him this week.  So look for Matt Forte to get catches out the backfield on the check-downs from Cutler.  But you can’t run on the Steelers, so if you have a better defensive match-up with another RB, then start ‘em over Forte.  The Steelers will probably be focusing on the speedy Hester who scored last week.  That is why I like Bennett and Olsen this week.  Bennett is Cutler’s BFF from Vanderbilt and I know Olsen disappointed many fantasy owners in his debut, but he will have a solid game this week. 

Baltimore @ San Diego…Rex Ryan is no longer in B-more and the Ravens D gave up 24 points to the Chiefs with Brodie Croyle at the helm.  If that’s any indication, then this one should be a shoot-out.  I like Flacco, Derrick Mason, Ray Rice and even Willis McGahee.  As for the lightning bolts, I like Rivers, V-Jax, Gates and Darren Sproles.  LT hasn’t practiced all week because of an ankle injury but continue to monitor reports.  If he gets the start then you should start him as well.  Sit Chambers.

Cleveland @ Denver…I don’t know what to make of this one.  Both offenses looked impotent last week.  So I think it’s gonna be a mirror image of the Denver/Cincy game last week, minus the Immaculate Reception Part Deux.  I have too many Browns on my fantasy teams.  I have Braylon on 2 teams and Cribbs on 1.  I’m starting Cribbs over Braylon in our 16-team league that rewards points for return yards.  And I’m sitting Braylon in my other league as well.  He’s gotta prove himself to me 1st before I give him any more playing time.  I didn’t like Jamal Lewis before the season and still don’t like him now.  Kyle Orton is Mr. Fantasy Irrelevant.  Hopefully he doesn’t do the same to Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal.  I’m sitting Royal this week.  I’m also sitting Knowshon Moreno.  And I tell you this, if he don’t produce this week, then I know ‘Shon will be up on the trading block.

Sunday night game

NY Giants @ Dallas…I’m looking forward to the video board getting beamed a few times by Giants punter Jeff Feagles.  Wait, Feagles is 143 years old!  His legs just don’t have the power to get it up there.  They should do some kind of cool promotion, like “Free Corn Dogs…if punt hits video board”.  If you have Eli Manning, then hopefully you drafted him just as a bench player and that is exactly where he should stay, on the bench.  He’s a great QB when it comes to winning, but not when it comes to his fantasy numbers.  I like Brandon Jacobs in this one.  If a cadillac can run over some Cowboys then a bulldozer is sure to due some damage as well.  Nobody knows what to make of the Giants receiving core, so you can take a chance on one of ‘em if you want to, but I’ll pass.  Romo is a must start every week.  Crayton had a big game week 1 and I actually think he will outperform Roy Williams in this one too.  Everybody knows Witten is Romo’s butt-buddy, which makes him even closer to Romo than a BFF, so he should only see the bench during the ‘Boys’ bye week.  Marion ‘The Barbarian’ will find the treading tough against the G-men so I would sit him and any other Cowboys’ backs for this one.

Monday night game

Indianapolis @ Miami…A-Gonz is out up to 8 weeks, which means Peyton will be going to his old faithfuls, Wayne and Clark.  Sounds like a law firm…Manning, Wayne and Clark.  ’Burner’ Turner had just 65 yards on 22 carries against the Dolphins last week so I would sit Addai.  I like Ronnie Brown to bounce back this week and have a strong game against the Colts.  I like him for 100 yards and atleast 1 TD.  Pennington is one of the most accurate QB’s in history, but that water pistol he has for an arm doesn’t help his fantasy stats.  That also means they don’t have a WR worth mentioning.  

I wonder if Gary and Wyatt can create the ultimate fantasy player?

Team D/ST…The following are Team Defenses/Special Teams that I would start this week…Vikings, Packers, Titans, Redskins and Steelers.  I have the Patriots D/ST in one league and for lack of a better option I’m staying with them against the Jets.  

Survivor Pick…Don’t overthink it.  The Lions didn’t win a game last year and gave up a record number of TD passes for an opening day game in week 1.  Doesn’t look like things have gotten much better.  Like last week, I’m picking against them and going with Minnesota.  The only other game I would even consider this week is Washington over St. Louis but I just don’t trust that one as much.

no Stradamus upset prediction…I predict my Chicago Bears will defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week.  Now stop laughing and go put some money on it.  And when they win, don’t forget to break me off a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’.  C’mon, really, it’s not that funny.

Quick, what does she have in common with Adrian Peterson?

Peterson had 3 TD’s Sunday and so does she.  LOL.  Now let’s take a look back at the action from Monday night.   

Monday Night Football…

Chargers 24, Raiders 20…Quick, what is the capital of Jabooty?  Jabooty.  Yes, you are correct.  And that is exactly what I’ll be calling JaMarcus Russell from now on.  No man’s ass should be that big.  I think he may be morphing into a centaur… 

Fantasy revelation for this game…

The two back-up running backs have fantasy relevance this year.  Darren Sproles and Michael Bush both scored in this game and look to be permanent fixtures on their teams’ offenses.  So how does that affect LT and McFadden?  I think it hurts LT more than DMC because of draft position.  LT was taken early and is a # 1 RB, where as DMC should be a # 2 RB or flex.  Note:  If DMC is your # 1 then you are in for a long season.  LT did score in the game as well, but for those who drafted him, it was not the kind of night they were hoping for.  The thing that really bothers me about LT is that he only had 1 catch as opposed to Sproles’ 5 catches.  I know it’s only week 1, but if that’s any indication, then LT will not be the PPR beast he has been in years past. 

Philip Rivers had an okay game, nothing to write home about.  Gates was solid.  V-Jax got a TD.  If you need an IDP, Stephen Cooper is probably available and he was in beast mode last night. 

Jabooty Russell looked great on that 1 deep pass to Louis Murphy, but also looked like the Jabooty we all know for most of the game.  Speakin’ of Murphy, he had 87 yards and a TD.  For those of us who drafted Johnny Lee Higgins, Murphy looks like the much better option right now.  Note:  The league I drafted him in gives credit for return yards so shutty!  With that being said, I don’t trust any Oakland WR’s.  Now if you didn’t remember the tight-ends in your draft, Zach Miller is Jabooty’s BFF, so scoop him.

 Djibouti…pronouned Jabooty 

Now this has nothing to do with fantasy, unless your league drafts D-lineman, but Richard Seymour made a huge difference for the Raiders’ D last night.  The swagger he brought to that side of the ball was evident from the 1st snap. 

Bills 24, Patriots 25…Randy makes me dandy!  Yeah, I’ve got Randy Moss in 2 of my 3 leagues this year.  It would have been an even better game-for me anyway-if Randy was on the receiving end of those 2 Ben Watson TD’s late in the game.  But Randy still finished with 12 catchess for 141 yards.  Tom Brady and the NE offense looked out of sink at times, especially early in the game, but he still managed to put up 378 yards passing and the 2 b-stings I mentioned before.  Wes Welker was also as advertised going for 12 and 93. 

The NE RB committee…Fred Taylor is the starter and got the goal line carry plus the TD.  But he only had 9 carries for 25 yards.  Maroney was, well…Maroney.  He may look like a horse in the face, but when he runs, Maroney is a pony.  Kevin Faulk is the 3rd down back and he’ll catch the passes out of the backfield this year.  Sammy Morris was not in the mix and when he is, he will complicate things even more.  Conclusion…cluster f*ck!

My little Maroney 

NE DEF/ST…I have NE’s D/ST in 1 league and they were not overly impressive.  The Bills put up 24 on ‘em and they were by no means a dominant bunch.  They have alot of new faces on that side of the ball this year, including several young players, so it make take a few weeks before they start to really gel as a unit. 

Da Bills…TO didn’t live up to the hype with just 2 catches for 46 yards.  But for those of you who play Madden, you should be familiar with the ’shadow’ technique the Pats used on him.  Everytime TO ran a route, the Pats had a man underneath him and a man over the top.  Effectively double-teaming, or in other words, ’shadowing’ TO wherever he went. 

Trent Edwards was effective with 212 yards and 2 b-stings of his own.  But the man who really showed his worth was RB Fred Jackson.  He’s filling in for the suspended Marshawn Lynch and did not disappoint those who drafted him only to have him for the 1st 3 weeks of the season.  The 57 rushing yards wasn’t great, but combine that with his 83 receiving and the TD, and you got yourself a nice fantasy day. 

Well, that’s all folks.  I know Kanye went crazy-again-at the VMA’s over the weekend, but the man can produce some really good music.  I honestly think that he has to be doing this kind of stuff for publicity purposes, because nobody is that big of an asshole.  Ok, perhaps he is a re-tard/genius type.  Kinda like Rainman.  Anyway, I’ll leave you with a little Kanye freestyle of my own…

Jabooty got an ass that’ll swallow up a G-string, and Tom Brady threw, 2 b-stings.