The playoffs are here!

This can be a good time for some and the end of the road for others.  If you’re like me – and have multiple fantasy teams – then you probably have some mixed emotions about the fantasy playoffs.  And there are even those among us who have a story to tell of how a last second TD – or Yahoo!/Stat Tracker scoring discrepancy – either got you into the playoffs by the skin of your teeth, or left us out in the cold – alone – like a bum with no place to go on Christmas morning.

I am the proud owner of 3 fantasy teams this year.  Well – at this point – I’m only proud of one of them, but they’re my teams so I kinda have to love them like children; after all, I did create them and bring them into this world.  But just like any other parent with multiple kids, I’m going to be more proud of one than the others; and if your parents say otherwise, they’re lying!  Every family has a blacksheep.

For me, my fantasy team that didn’t make the playoffs this year – “PRESTIGE WORLDWIDE” – is my ’special’ child.  And by ’special’ I mean f*ckin’ retarded!  I can only blame myself because I had to be high on crack when I drafted this team.  Donovan McNabb was the captain of this ship, so – as the quarterback – he would have to be considered my child’s brain.  And just like with any other retard brain, Dono had his good moments and his ”OMG, where is that damn boy’s helmet?” moments.  I drafted Portis too.  So if Dono’s the brain, I guess that would make Portis the ass.  And just like with any other retard ass, sometimes it’s gonna sh*t the bed and leave you to clean up the mess.  So when Yahoo! did not count Robert Meachem’s forced fumble/return as a defensive touchdown last week, my team was done.  It was like my retard child just died.  And while that child made me shake my head in disgust many times this year – just like with any other parent of a retard – I still loved ‘em. 

Note:  The Saints D/ST really let me down last week against the Redskins.  It’s kinda like when you take your retard child out in public and they never really acted bad; until that one time when you took them to church with you and they got up to give a speech, and instead pulled down their pants and did their best ‘Rad Repeatin’ Tarzan impersonation’ in front of the entire congregation.  That’s like the Saints D/ST.  They were doing so well until last week; WTF happened?!!!    

Then there’s the middle child.  This is the fantasy team where – as a parent – you know you didn’t make all the right decisions when raising them, but they still turned out okay.  For me, “T-Pain’s Boat Squad” is my middle child.  I made some good decisions; like drafting Peterson, Randy and Ray Rice.  Even when I spent that money for braces for my child to look better it payed off.  The braces – in this case – refer to Sidney Rice; cuz he sure made my team look better when I acquired him on the waiver wire.  But I made some bad decisions too.  Drafting Portis on a second team – in retrospect – was not a very good idea.  It’s kinda like if a father decides to let his son be a fairy in a play at school and that son then decides – one day – that he’s gay.  The father can’t help but think that his decision to allow his son to be a fairy in the play, may have had something to do with why things didn’t quite turn out like he hoped.  And just like with any other ‘good’ parent, I still love my gay fantasy team.

And finally, we have the ‘golden child’.  This is the child that can do no wrong; everyone’s favorite.  My fantasy team – “PRODUCE-A-QUART” – is my ‘golden child’; and boy is he somethin’!  He’s 11-2, has won 8 games in a row, and has a bye this week in the first round of the fantasy playoffs.  As a father, I couldn’t be prouder!  This is the kid I never have to worry about.  He cleans his room, has never gotten a girl pregnant, and earned a full athletic scholarship to play basketball and football at UNC by the time he was 11 years old!  What more could a dad ask for?

Note:  My biggest fear is that my team will lose in the playoffs after performing so well all year.  It’s the equivalent of my ‘golden child’ reaching fame and fortune only to have it tarnished by a tragic event.  I suggest we call this phenomenon ‘Tiger Woods Syndrome’.

Dear fantasy gods:  Please do not allow my team to become inflicted with ‘Tiger Woods Syndrome’.

My message to you?  Love all your fantasy teams equally; whether they made the playoffs or not.  And while it’s okay to be prouder of some than others, remember that you brought them into this world; therefore, they are your children.

Without further ado, here’s this week’s fantasy preview…

BIG GAME MEASURING STICK…

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

Thursday Game Recap…

CLE 13, PIT 6

Josh Cribbs…Cribbs had 87 rushing yards and 9 yards receiving in this one.  The 96 total yards leaves him 4 yards shy of having a big game – by my standards.  However, I wanted to include him – as a ‘thank you’ – for helping “PRESTIGE WORLDWIDE” almost make the playoffs this year.  The league I had him in rewards points for return yards as well, so he was a beast all season.  The guy can do it all.

Note:  I suggest we change the expression ‘Jack of all trades’ to ‘Josh of all Cribbs’.

One O’Clock Games

NO @ ATL…Brees, Colston / T-Gonz

GB @ CHI…Rodgers, Driver

NYJ @ TB…T. Jones / Cadillac

MIA @ JAC…Ricky / MoJo

DET @ BAL…Calvin / Ray Rice, McGahee

SEA @ HOU…Burleson / Andre ‘the’ Johnson

DEN @ IND…Moreno / Peyton, Wayne, Clark

BUF @ KC…Fred Jackson / Jamaal Charles

CIN @ MIN…Ocho Cinco / Sidney Rice, Peterson

CAR @ NE…DeAngelo / Randy

Four O’Clock Games

WAS @ OAK…LOL!

STL @ TEN…Steven Jackson / Chris Johnson

SD @ DAL…River, Gates / Romo, Witten

Sunday Night Game

PHI @ NYG…Weaver / Steve Smith

Monday Night Football

ARI @ SF…Warner, Fitz / V. Davis

Good luck to all of you in the fantasy playoffs.  Unless – of course - you are playing against me, then I will be forced to rape and murder your retard child.  Happy Holidays everybody!

I have a pet snake.  His name is Boa Jackson.

And no, he doesn’t have one eye and live in my pants (Although I might use that as a pick-up line now).  No, he’s a real snake with two eyes; more specifically, a Columbian Rainbow Boa Constrictor.  I was having trouble naming him so a friend suggested Boa Jackson, in honor of the former 2-sport star Bo Jackson.  I searched ‘Boa Jackson’ under “Google Images” and found the image above (LOL), a pic of some giant bull that goes by the same name, and ‘Jackson Boa’ snowboarding boots.  Confused yet?  These pics should help…

Columbian Rainbow Boa.  This is what my pet looks like.  He’s still just a baby. 

For all my lady readers, the one-eyed snake I was referring to earlier (wink, wink). 

Bo Jackson.  He played football for the Raiders and baseball for the Kansas City Royals.

Bo was one of the most explosive running backs I’ve ever seen.  He had the rare combination of size, power and breakaway speed.

Remember that time he ran over Brian Bosworth, and then outran the rest of the Seahawk defense on Monday Night Football?

I’ll probably remember him best for how unstoppable they made him on Tecmo Bowl.

Here’s the bull.  This is what the description read on the website where I found this pic…

BOA Jackson 2M – the first herd sire we used in our young Aberdeen Angus herd!

Ride Jackson Boa Coiler Snowboard Boots

And I got the pic of Michael Jackson posing with his pet boa constrictor from September 15, 1987.  That got me to thinkin’, what would a pic of Janet Jackson – topless- holding a boa look like?  Let’s see…

Well Janet’s not topless, but her friend is!  Here’s a description of the pic…

Singer Janet Jackson (L) holds a snake as she is greeted by Maria Gara, a magician and snake handler known as SnakeBabe, as Jackson arrives at the Tao Nightclub at the Venetian Resort Hotel Casino during the club’s one-year anniversary party September 30, 2006 in Las Vegas, Nevada.

Ok, you’re probably wondering what this has to do with fantasy football?  That’s easy.  Bo Jackson was a beast.  And so is Boa Jackson, my pet snake.  I recently bought him his first live mouse.  He hadn’t eaten in over a month, so I guess the little dead, frozen, ‘fuzzy’ mice – as they are called – just weren’t ‘doin’ it for him anymore.  So I got him his first living, breathing mouse as a present; and he killed the shit out of it!  Not litterally; I mean, I didn’t see the mouse actually shit as he was being squeezed to death, but you catch my drift.  After missing with his intial strike – even Jordan had to learn to shoot a basketball – he landed perfectly with his second attempt, coiled around the helpless victim in less than a second and began to squeeze until the mouse’s heart stopped beating.  I then watched as he tried to swallow something easily 4 times bigger than him – in width.  It took him about 30 minutes to get ‘em down, but he did it.  It was like having Nat Geo shoot a snake documentary on location; but only if the location was my livin’ room!  It was pretty damn cool.  In honor of his first kill – in this week’s fantasy preview – I’m goin’ to tell you who will be the Boa Jacksons, and who will be the feeder mice.

BOA JACKSON MEASURING STICK…

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

First, let’s review Thursday’s game…

NYJ 19, BUF 13

BOA JACKSONS…Thomas Jones

feeder mice…Mark ‘Dirty’ Sanchez, Braylon Edwards, Jerricho Cotchery, TO, Marshawn Lynch, Lee Evans, Fred Jackson

ONE O’CLOCK GAMES

PHI @ ATL

BOA JACKSONS…Donovan McNabb, Jeremy Maclin, T-Gonz

feeder mice…LeSean McCoy, DeSean Jackson (OUT), Brent Celek, ‘Burner’ Turner (QUESTIONABLE), Matt Ryan (OUT), Roddy White, Jerious Norwood

Note:  The Iggles need to capitalize on the marketing potential of ‘The Sean Brothers:  DeSean and LeSean’.  I think it could be huge.  LOL.

STL @ CHI

BOA JACKSONS…Steven ‘Boa’ Jackson, Matt Forte

feeder mice…Donnie Avery, Jay Cutler, Devin Hester, Greg Olsen

DET @ CIN

BOA JACKSONS…Carson Palmer, Ocho Cinco, Cedric Benson

feeder mice…Calvin Johnson, Kevin Smith

OAK @ PIT

BOA JACKSONS…Big Ben (PROBABLE), Hines Ward, Heath Miller

Columbian Rainbow Boa Snakes

feeder mice…Darren McFadden, Zach Miller, Rashard Mendenhall, Santonio Holmes

Note:  Keeping in line with the theme, let’s not forget the former Raider QB great Ken ‘The Snake’ Stabler.

TEN @ IND

BOA JACKSONS…Chris Johnson, Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Dallas Clark

feeder mice…Vince Young, Kenny Britt, Joseph Addai, Pierre Garcon

DEN @ KC

BOA JACKSONS…Brandon Marshall, Knowshon Moreno, Jamaal Charles

feeder mice…Kyle Orton, Matt Cassel, Chris Chambers

NE @ MIA

BOA JACKSONS…Tom Brady, Randy Moss, Wes Welker

feeder mice…Laurence Maroney, Ricky Williams

Snake eating mouse (LOL).

NO @ WAS

BOA JACKSONS…Drew Brees-us, Marques Colston, Pierre Thomas

feeder mice…Robert Meachem, Rock Cartwright

TB @ CAR

BOA JACKSONS…DeAngelo Williams (QUESTIONABLE), Jonathan Stewart (if DeAngelo doesn’t play)

feeder mice…Antonio Bryant, Kellen Winslow, Steve Smith

HOU @ JAC

BOA JACKSONS…Matt Schaub, Andre ‘the’ Johnson, Chris Brown, MoJo, Mike Sims-Walker

feeder mice…Steve Slaton (PROBABLE; numbness in tip of his right thumb), David Garrard

FOUR O’CLOCK GAMES

SD @ CLE

BOA JACKSONS…Philip Rivers, LT, Antonio Gates

feeder mice…Mohamed Massaquoi

DAL @ NYG

BOA JACKSONS…Miles Austin, Mario Manningham

feeder mice…Tony Romo, Marion Barber, Jason Witten, Brandon Jacobs, Eli Manning, Steve Smith

SF @ SEA

BOA JACKSONS…Frank Gore, Vernon Davis, Nate ‘The Snake’ Burleson

feeder mice…Michael Crabtree, Julius Jones, TJ Houshmandzadeh, John Carlson

SUNDAY NIGHT GAME

MIN @ ARI

BOA JACKSONS…Brett Favre, Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice, Larry Fitzgerald (if Kurt Warner plays)

feeder mice…Percy Harvin, Visanthe Shiancoe, Kurt Warner (QUESTIONABLE), Anquan Boldin

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

BAL @ GB

BOA JACKSONS…Ray Rice, Aaron Rodgers, Donald Driver

feeder mice…Joe Flacco, Derrick Mason, Greg Jennings, Ryan Grant

And finally – for all my NBA fans – I wanted to name my fantasy basketball team something that represented the snake lover in me.  Bo Jackson played football and baseball – not basketball – so ‘The Boa Jacksons’ wouldn’t work.  I had to get creative with this one (think Mario Chalmers of the Miami Heat) and named my team ‘The Snake Chalmers’…

Note:  I drafted Portis in 2 leagues this year and this is the image that comes to mind when I think of him…

I rip and I rhyme, I rhyme and I rip.  This is the way that Dylan spits.

For week 11, I’m channeling my inner Dylan and puttin’ my rhyming skills to the test.

(CHAPPELLE’S SHOW MAKING THE BAND FULL SKIT).

1    o’clock games

WAS @ DAL…

Last week, when Brandon Marshall went deep, the ‘Skins’ corners looked lost and,

you can expect more of the same this week, when Romo connects with Miles Austin.

BIG GAME MEASURING STICK…

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

The following are players I like to have big games this weekend…

Ladell Betts

Miles Austin

Note:  Butt buddies no more; Romo’s now smitten,

with the one they call Miles Austin, and not Jason Witten.

I know you drafted him high, but this week you may want to sit him.

Former butt buddies.

CLE @ DET…

It would be more entertaining to watch “the Chipmunks and Alvin”,

the only player you should even consider starting in this one is Calvin.

Start Calvin Johnson; not John Calvin, the founder of Calvinism (pictured above).

SF @ GB…

Gore will be Gore, like Manny with the Dodgers,

but Sunday’s game will belong to Mr. Rodgers.

Frank Gore

Aaron Rodgers, Donald Driver

PIT @ KC…

No D-Bowe and Polamalu’s not playin’,

the Steelers will pillage and Big Ben will do the rapin’.

Big Ben, Mendenhall, Hines Ward

ATL @ NYG…

Two teams fightin’ for a wildcard, but with no ‘Burner’,

the G-Men will beat A-T-L, like Ike did Tina Turner.

T-Gonz

Mario Manningham

NO @ TB…

The Saints are undefeated; the Bucs aren’t great,

Brees will make the butt pirates walk the plank.

Brees, Pierre Thomas

Cadillac

BUF @ JAC…

Dick has finally been fired; TO’s no hero,

the Jags have MoJo; a win for Jack Del-Rio.

MoJo

IND @ BAL…

The Colts are undefeated behind another MVP season for Peyton,

but this one looks like an upset in the makin’.

Peyton, Wayne

Ray Rice

Looks like Esquire may have been on to something.

SEA @ MIN…

Favre has never looked better; Is that Sidney or Jerry Rice?

Adrian Peterson, Percy Harvin; This is the Seahawks plight.

Let’s not forget about Shiancoe, ‘The TD vulture’.

Favre, Peterson, Rice

4    o’clock games

ARI @ STL…

Steven Jackson is a beast, but the Cards will prevail,

behind big games from Warner, Fitz and Beanie Wells.

Warner, Fitz, Wells

Steven Jackson

Run kids, run!  Nah, seriously, start Steven Jackson; not Stephen Jackson (pictured above).

NYJ @ NE…

The Jets sure can talk, and they won the 1st game,

the Pats are pissed about ‘4th and 2′, so don’t expect the same.

Brady, Moss, Welker

Note:  Belichick has been ridiculed in the media for goin’ for it last week in the loss to the Colts.  I liked the call.  I do it in Madden all the time.  In fact, I like the call so much that I wrote a rhyme ’bout it.  Like to hear it?  Here it go!

4th and 2, no punter; Tell me what’s your deal?

Belichick is like Duke Nukem; he’s got balls of steel!

CIN @ OAK…

No Ced Benson; Can you believe they signed Larry Johnson?

Bernard Scott will start, so don’t expect to see LJ too often.

JaMarcus was benched – because he’s sloppier than ‘The Dude’ in “The Big Lebowski” -

in favor of a guy named Brad Gradkowski.

Ocho Cinco, Bernard Scott

SD @ DEN…

The AFC West; a battle for the division,

the Broncos will lose if Orton is sittin’.

Rivers, V-Jax

Moreno

Knowshon Moreno.  I know Shon will have a big game Sunday.

Sunday night game

PHI @ CHI…

My Bears looked bad last week; you can stop with the giggles,

because on Sunday night we will destroy the Iggles!

McNabb, DeSean

Cutler, Hester

Dono, you’re such a F-ing loser,

you didn’t even go to class; Bueller.

Monday Night Football

TEN @ HOU…

Bud Adams is funny, and he was right about Vince Young,

but the star of that team is Chris John-son.

Chris Johnson

Andre ‘the’ Johnson

Tennessee Titans 86 year old owner Bud Adams gives the middle finger to the Buffalo Bills and their fans.

Picks Against The Spread…

NFL Point Spreads For Week 11 – Week Eleven NFL Football Point Spread – NFL Spreads 11/22 – 11/23, 2009

Monday Night Football Point Spread

The Dolphins beat the Panthers on Thursday night behind a 3 TD performance from Ricky Williams.  I’ll finish by spittin’ some hot fire ’bout that game.

Ricky’s 3 bee-stings killed Carolina,

and Delhomme throws the ball like he has a vagina.

They both have strong arms, and their oversized balls can only lead to trouble.  For the body builder, big balls means ‘roids, which will undoubtedly lead to health problems later in life (and probably a smaller peter-john now).  For the QB, big balls refers to his oversized ego; and in this case it’s causing him to force the ball into places where it shouldn’t go.  The result?  Five INTs and a 10-6 loss to the 49ers on Thursday night.  Where’s Kyle Orton when you need him?

And now for this week’s fantasy football preview.  I don’t normally do this, but for some reason I decided to grade my predictions from last week.  Let’s see how I did…

Falcons over Raiders.  Correct.

BIG GAME MEASURING STICK…

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

I predicted big games for the following players…

Fred Davis.  Wrong!

‘Burner’ Turner  166 yds/2 tds.  Correct!  ‘Rowdy’ Roddy White.  Wrong!  T-Gonz 5 rec/41 yds/1 td.  Correct.

2 out of 4

Bears over Cardinals.  Wrong!

Big games…

Fitz  9 rec/123 yds/2 tds.  Correct!

Hester  6 rec/94 yds.  Wrong.  Greg Olsen  5 rec/71 yds/3 tds.  Correct!

Did not predict Warner (5 tds) and Cutler (369 yds/3 tds) to have big games.

2 out of 5

Ravens over Bengals.  Wrong!

Big games…

Ray Rice  135 total yds/1 td.  Correct.  Derrick Mason  3 rec/31 yds.  Wrong!

Ocho Cinco  5 rec/66 yds.  Wrong.  Cedric Benson  117 yds/1 td.  Correct.

2 out of 4

Colts over Texans.  Correct.

Big games…

Andre ‘the’ Johnson  10 rec/103 yds.  Correct.

Peyton ‘man/colt’ Manning  318 yds/1 td.  Correct.  Reggie Wayne  8 rec/64 yds.  Wrong.  Dallas Clark  14 rec/119 yds.  Correct!

Missed Shaub (311 yds/1 td).  But he did have just barely over 300 yds and 2 ints, so I won’t count that one against me.

3 out of 4

Patriots over Dolphins.  Correct.

Big games…

Ronnie ‘Catfish’ Brown  64 total yds/1 passing td.  Wrong.

Brady  332 yds/1 td.  Correct.  Randy 6 rec/147 yds/1 td.  Correct.  Wes ‘the slot machine’ Welker  9 rec/84 yds.  Wrong.

2 out of 4

Packers over Buccaneers.  Wrong!

Big games…

Rodgers  266 yds/3 tds (1 rushing).  Correct.  Greg Jennings  5 rec/61 yds.  Wrong.  Ryan Grant  96 yds/1 td.  He was four yards shy of 100, so I’ll say…Correct!

I said no big games for the butt pirates, but Tampa Bay had…

Josh Freeman (3 tds) and Kellen Winslow (4 rec/57 yds/1 td).

2 out of 5

Jaguars over Chiefs.  Correct.

Big games…

D-Bowe  4 rec/74 yds.  Wrong.

MoJo  134 yds/1 td.  Correct.  Mike Sims-Walker  6 rec/147 yds/1 td.  Correct!

Missed Chris Chambers (KC…3 rec/70 yds/2 tds).  But who would have called that?  And I didn’t even know he was playing for them so I won’t count it against me.

2 out of 3

Saints over Panthers.  Correct.

Big games…

DeAngelo  161 total yds/2 tds.  Correct!

Drew Brees-us  330 yds/1 td.  Correct.  Colston  1 rec/45 yds.  Wrong!  Jeremy Shockey  3 rec/26 yds.  Wrong!

2 out of 4

Seahawks over Lions.  Correct.

Big games…

Kevin Smith  76 total yds.  Wrong.

Nate ‘the snake’ Burleson  7 rec/75 yds.  Wrong.

Missed Hasselbeck (329 yds/1 td) and Julius Jones (114 total yds/1 td).

0 out of 4

49ers over Titans.  Wrong!

Big games…

Chris Johnson  160 total yds/2 tds.  Correct!

Frank Gore  158 total yds/1 td.  Correct.  Vernon Davis  10 rec/102 yds.  Correct.

3 out of 3

Giants over Chargers.  Wrong!

Big games…

V-Jax  5 rec/58 yds/2 tds.  Correct.  Sproles  23 total yds.  Wrong!

Brandon Jacobs  68 total yds.  Wrong.  Mario Manningham  6 rec/52 yds.  Wrong.  Ahmad Bradshaw  66 total yds.  Wrong.

Missed Rivers (3 tds).  But he did have 2 ints and just 209 yds passing so I won’t count that against me.

1 out of 5   

Eagles over Cowboys.  Wrong!

Big games…

Romo  307 yds/1 td.  Correct.  Miles Austin  1 rec/49 yds/1 td.  Wrong.

McNabb  226 yds/1 td.  Wrong!  DeSean Jackson  2 rec/29 yds.  Wrong!  Westbrook (DNP).  As you probably guessed already, not counting that one against me.  And LeSean McCoy had 115 total yds in his place.

Missed Brent Celek (1 td).

1 out of 5   

Broncos over Steelers.  Wrong!

Big games…

Hines Ward  7 rec/44 yds/2 tds.  Correct.  Heath Miller  3 rec/18 yds.  Wrong!

Brandon Marshall  11 rec/112 yds.  Correct.  Knowshon Moreno  3 total yds.  Wrong!

Missed Big Ben (3 tds).

2 out of 5

RECAP…

6-7 picking winners.  Grade:  F-

24 out of 53 predicting big fantasy games for players.  Grade:  B-

The 6-7 for picking which team won the game is pathetic, I will admit.  The 24 out of 53 for picking players, I would put up against the Matthew Berrys of the world any day.  In conclusion, it may not be wise to pick winners based on which mascot would win in a fight.  For week 10, I’ve decided to pick winners against the point spread for all my gamblers out there (This should be interesting…LOL).

The teams I would put my money on are in bold type…

NFL Point Spreads For Week 10 – Week Ten NFL Football Point Spread – NFL Spreads 11/15 – 11/16, 2009

Monday Night Football Point Spread

Byes: Houston, NY. Giants

Here are the players I like to have big games this week…

Drew Bress-us.  Marques Colston.  Pierre Thomas.

Steven Jackson

Brett Favre.  Adrian ‘Peter-John’ Peterson.  Sidney Rice.

MoJo

Thomas Jones

Chris Johnson

Big Ben.  Mike Wallace

Moreno

‘Burner’ Turner.  T-Gonz

DeAngelo (QUESTIONABLE)

Chris Chambers

Kurt Warner.  Fitz

Romo.  Miles Austin

Aaron Rodgers.  Donald Driver

McNabb.  Westbrook

V-Jax

Brady.  Moss

Peyton.  Dallas Clark

Ray Rice

And in closing, did you see that Thursday night game?  Holy Santa Claus shit that was bad.  Especially for us Bears’ fans.  And even more so for us Bears’ fans that went to a local bar to watch the game because we don’t get the NFL Network at home, and because we wanted to show our loyal support for the team.  Not only that, but we wanted to appease the football gods so much that we went by ourselves because the only other Bears’ fan we knew is in Kenya for 2 years.  Who am I kiddin’?  I was probably the only person stupid enough to do that.  You wonder why I play fantasy football?  This is why…My real team sucks!

P.S.  Dear football gods:

I hope you are reading this and will put in a good word for me with the fantasy gods.  I’ve got some tough match-ups this week and could use the help.

–Your loyal servant,

Eddie   

Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Ryan Grant

NO BIG GAMES FOR THE BUTT PIRATES.

It’s Halloween and everybody’s talking about the new scary movies; Paranormal Activity and the new Saw movie (I think it’s Saw 26…there’s been so many I can’t keep count).  But I want to talk about a different movie in regard to this week’s fantasy matchups; The Men Who Stare At Goats.  Here’s the trailer…

The movie (due out Nov. 6) looks a bit odd and potentially funny.  You never know with previews because – of course – they never show the bad parts.  But my point in showing you the clip is so you too can understand the importance of becoming a psychic soldier when it comes to fantasy football warfare.  I have spent years – and countless hours on Yahoo! – developing my skills.  I am now officially a Jedi warrior.  In the world of fantasy football, I’m a psychic weapon; able to make my players run through walls (see here) and I can see into the future.  Here is an excerpt from my FF preview for week 2…

no Stradamus upset prediction…I predict my Chicago Bears will defeat the Pittsburgh Steelers this week.  Now stop laughing and go put some money on it.  And when they win, don’t forget to break me off a lil’ sumpin’ sumpin’.  C’mon, really, it’s not that funny.

(Note:  That week I was calling myself no Stradamus.  Here’s a link to the full article; and other than me calling Cedric Benson ‘quicksand legs’, it was on point.)

But I digress.  As I was saying, I am a member of the most elite group of soldiers:  The Men Who Stare At Fantasy Teams.  And these are my predictions for week 8…

BIG GAME MEASURING STICK:

QBs…300+ yds and/or 3+ tds

RBs…100+ total yds and/or 2+ tds

WRs…100+ yds and/or 2+ tds

TEs…100+ yds and/or 1+ tds

The following are players are like to have big games this weekend…

1 o’clock games

HOU @ BUF…The Bills’ D is good against the pass and terrible against the run.  The Bills’ offense is, well, offensive.  The Texans have a good offense and not so good D.  Houston wins this one by running the ball and play-action passing (mixed in with some timely screen passes).

Andre Johnson, Steve Slaton, Owen Daniels

Marshawn Lynch

CLE @ CHI…What’s a good recipe for boucing back after getting your ass handed to you last week?  Answer:  The Browns coming to town this week.  Chicago will bounce back behind a strong game from Forte.

Matt Forte, Devin Hester, Greg Olsen

SEA @ DAL…Romo dumped Jessica Simpson and Jason Witten for Miles Austin, and his new relationship has been good for the team.  Expect more brokeback mountain in this one.

TJ Houshmandzadeh

Tony Romo & Miles Austin (lol), Marion Barber

STL @ DET…This is the Rams’ last chance to win a game in 2009!  Look at their remaining schedule.  The Lions didn’t win a game last year, but the Rams can take it to a whole ‘notha level of shittyness when you consider the losing streak they’re currently on.  And they will.  Detroit wins.

Steven Jackson

Kevin Smith

DEN @ BAL…Can Denver remain undefeated going on the road against a good B-more team?  If their defense continues to play well, then yes.  And they will Sunday against the Ravens.

Brandon Marshall, Knowshon Moreno

Joe Flacco, Ray Rice

SF @ IND…All the attention is on Alex Smith taking over as the 49ers QB, which is exactly where Peyton likes it.  The Colts will blast the ‘9ers to remain undefeated.

Frank Gore, Vernon Davis

Peyton Manning, Reggie Wayne, Austin Collie, Dallas Clark

MIA @ NYJ…It’s Halloween, so the Dolphins are showing up to tomorrow’s game in their Catfish costumes!  This should scare the shit outta the Jets, who gave up 31 points to the ‘Fins on Monday Night Football three weeks ago.  Fear not Jets.  I have found the ultimate costume for you to combat the Catfish.  Presenting:  the Dogbird! The Jets will get past their fears and win this game.

Ronnie Brown

Thomas Jones

NYG @ PHI…McNabb hasn’t looked great since coming back from being injured.  In fact, I’m starting Garrard over him this week.  The Giants have lost two straight but can stay at the top of the NFC East with a big division win Sunday.  The G-men win with a strong game from Eli Manning.

Eli Manning, Steve Smith, Mario Manningham, Ahmad Bradshaw

Brian Westbrook (If he plays…gametime decision), DeSean Jackson

4 o’clock games

JAC @ TEN…Vince Young finally gets his chance to start again and he’ll make some big plays Sunday.  He’ll also make some big mistakes and the Titans will remain winless.

Chris Johnson, Bo Scaife

David Garrard, Mike Sims-Walker

OAK @ SD…This is a blowout on paper, but you never know how focused the Chargers will be.  With that being said, the Raiders are just damn awful and they will lose this game.

Justin Fargas

Philip Rivers, Antonio Gates, Darren Sproles, Vincent Jackson

CAR @ ARI…The Cardinals are #1 against the run and – at the same time – dead last in rushing offense.  They will contain the Panthers rush attack and force Delhomme to pass, which will lead to turnovers.  And on the other side of the ball, expect ‘Zona’s passing game to put up good numbers.  Cards’ win.

DeAngelo Williams

Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Anquan Boldin

MIN @ GB…He’s baaaaaaaack!  Favre in Lambeau again; only this time in purple.  There’s going to be plenty of emotion and this game will have a playoff-like atmosphere.  The emotion of the home crowd will help the Packers, early in the game.  But after everyone settles in and the initial hysteria of the moment wears off, the Vikings will take over.  They have been more battle tested this year and the Packers are coming off of wins over cupcakes in their last two games.

Brett Favre, Adrian Peterson, Sidney Rice, Visanthe Shiancoe

Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings, Donald Driver

Note: Winfield out

Monday Night Football

ATL @ NO…The Saints look pretty damn good.  They’ve won games with their passing.  They’ve won games with their running.  And when neither was working, they even won a game with their defense.  The Falcons will have their hands full Monday night.  The Saints will score early and often, which will force ATL to try to keep pace.  N’Orleans prevails in a high scoring game.

Matt Ryan, Michael Turner, Tony Gonzalez, Roddy White

Drew Brees, Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey, Mike Bell, Devery Henderson

Upset Predictions…

DEN over BAL

MIN over GB

JAC over TEN

Note: I stared at one fantasy team so long this week that I picked up Mike Hart.  Who?  My point exactly.  You’d never think to add this guy to your fantasy team.  But don’t feel bad.  Being able to make moves like that comes from years of training.  I’m a psychic soldier; a Jedi warrior, son!  And with years of experience and the proper training – plus enough trophies in your Yahoo! fantasy profile trophy case – you too may one day be part of the most elite group of soldiers:  The Men Who Stare At Fantasy Teams.

Double Note: I was forced to pick up Mike Hart due to a season ending injury to Leon Washington.  It’s a 16-team league with several bench spots, so there ain’t shit available on the waiver wire.  It was Hart or Michael Robinson.  In retrospect, it may be a good idea to try out for another group of elite soldiers:  The Men Who Draft Extra Running Backs Just In Case Your Dude Breaks His F*cking Leg!

Madden died.  What reason is there to live?

Oh yeah, fantasy football!  I have a Xbox LIVE account and play Madden NFL 10 religiously.  And I can say that truthfully because I usually pray for divine intervention when I’m losing a game.  I have a decent record at 16-7 (If you ever wanna catch a beat down my Gamertag is ALLMADDEN4298, punks!).  But anyway, as I was sayin’, I own Madden and it recently died on me.  How?  Microsoft made a crappy machine that sometimes overheats and it burned a perfect ring around the disk (Thanks a lot Bill Gates!).  Now it just says ‘unreadable’ when I try to play it.  What does this have to do with fantasy football?  Everything I tell you, everything.  Allow me to explain.  Madden is one of the most knowledgeable men of all-time when it comes to the NFL – I say ‘men’ because we all know a woman will never know as much about football as a man – and in this week’s fantasy preview, I’ll use Madden 10 to help me figure things out.  By the way, that sexist comment was a joke.  In fact, I know a very special lady who has picked like the last 20 Super Bowl winners in a row – hi mom -and I couldn’t even get last year’s right.  But I digress.  Madden has a very sophisticated system for player ratings that’s updated – if I’m not mistaken – on a weekly basis (If you play online).  For example, Ronnie Brown’s and Ricky Williams’ player ratings both increased in the latest version of the roster updates for Madden because they ran the Wildcat – or as I like to call it, the Catfish – all over the Jets’ D in their last game.  This means the video game mirrors the actual NFL more than ever, making for extremely realistic gameplay.  So this week, I’m using Madden 10 to predict fantasy stats by simulating every game on the Xbox 360!  How can I do this if Madden died you ask?  Easy, my roommate bought a new one (His eagerness to do so raises my level of suspicion that he destroyed the first one somehow.  But I can play again, so I won’t ask any questions).

Note:  Okay, I last thing.  Anybody who has played the video game is familiar with the ‘ask Madden’ option.  You can choose to call your own plays during a game or you can select the ‘ask Madden’ option and have him (the computer) choose the plays for you randomly.  And anyone who’s played also knows that if you do this for every play you will surely lose, and probably by a lot.  (I think Tennessee’s coach – Jeff Fisher – put it on autopilot last week and selected ‘ask Madden’ for every play call in that 59-0 embarrassment at New England).  So if Madden (the computer) generates any crazy scores, I won’t ask Madden.  I’ll step in and call my own play, so to speak.

1 o’clock games

GB @ CLE…

Madden 10 updated team ratings…GB 82 CLE 67

Simulated Score…GB 21 CLE 24

Player Stats…

Aaron Rodgers 263 yds 3 tds 0 ints        Derek Anderson 182 yds 1 td 1 int

Ryan Grant 51 rush yds                                Jamal Lewis 114 rush yds 1 td

Greg Jennings 7 rec 120 yds 3 tds           Mohamed Massaquoi 4 rec 47 yds

Donald Driver 5 rec 61 yds                         Jerome Harrison 30 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 64 yds 1 td

James Jones 3 rec 50 yds                            Josh Cribbs 134 KR yds 96 PR yds

Jermichael Finley 0

Looks like Green Bay chose the ‘ask Madden’ option a few too many times in this one.  No way they lose to the Browns on Sunday.  Here’s what else I would change about the simulated outcome…the video game obviously loves Jennings way too much.  He won’t get 3 tds.  And Jerome Harrison is not that good in real life.  Jamal Lewis isn’t either.  No donut for Finley.  But everything else looked pretty good.

On To The Next One…

SD @ KC…

Team Ratings…SD 86 KC 66

Simulated Score…SD 39 KC 33

Player Stats…

Philip Rivers 129 yds 1 td 0 ints…1 rush td                  Matt Cassel 191 yds 0 td 0 ints

LaDainian Tomlinson 226 yds 2 tds                             Larry Johnson 51 yds 1 td

Darren Sproles 10 rush yds…2 rec 20 yds…234 KR yds 1 td

Dwayne Bowe 3 rec 47 yds

Vincent Jackson 4 rec 72 yds 1 td

Antonio Gates 1 rec 12 yds

The game said some dude for the Chiefs named Quinten Lawrence was going to return 2 kickoffs for tds and have 228 KR yds.  I better pick him up on the waiver wire now!  NOT!  Take that away, plus some of LT’s yards and give them to Sproles, give Rivers more passing yards to Gates, and there’s your game.

IND @ STL…

Team Ratings…IND 91 STL 66

Simulated Score…IND 66 STL 28

Peyton Manning 409 yds 5 tds 0 ints        Marc Bulger 221 yds 2 tds 1 int

Kyle Boller went 0 for 2 on passing attempts in this one which means Bulger probably got hurt during the simulated game; or the video game’s artificial intelligence has become so advanced they decided to pull Bulger for having a bad game.  We will never know for sure.

Joseph Addai 194 rush yds 3 tds                 Steven Jackson 46 rush yds…4 rec 11 yds

Reggie Wayne 10 rec 152 yds 2 tds            Donnie Avery 3 rec 21 yds 1 td

Pierre Garcon 9 rec 112 yds                          Mike Karney (FB) 2 rec 65 yds 1 td

Dallas Clark 5 rec 56 yds 1 td

Austin Collie 3 rec 89 yds 2 tds

Conclusion…Madden 10 sucks Peyton Manning’s dick big time!  They love the guy.  But they are playing the Rams, so it could happen.  Addai owners:  Um, don’t expect 194 and 3.

Note:  The computer is not giving much love to backup RBs.  Donald Brown will get some of Addai’s numbers.  Also, I have quarter length set to 10 minutes for more realistic stats.  Since they seem to be somewhat inflated, I’ll have to set it back to 8 minute quarters instead.

MIN @ PIT…

I can’t wait for this one!  Both QBs – Brett and Big Ben – have been as dangerous and hot as a hillbilly hot tub!

Let’s see what Madden 10 has to say…

Team Ratings…MIN 87 PIT 89

Simulated Score…MIN 44 PIT 30

Player Stats…

Brett Favre 73 yds 0 tds 0 ints                        Ben Roethlisberger 198 yds 2 tds 1 int

Adrian Peterson 147 rush yds 2 tds              Rashard Mendenhall 0

Chester Taylor 139 rush yds 2 tds 1 fum     Willie Parker 73 rush yds

Sidney Rice 2 rec 13 yds                                     Hines Ward 5 rec 52 yds 1 td

Bernard Berrian 1 rec 14 yds                            Santonio Holmes 3 rec 87 yds 1 td

Percy Harvin 0                                                       Mike Wallace 3 rec 30 yds

Visanthe Shiancoe 1 rec 20 yds                      Heath Miller 3 rec 29 yds

No way the Vikings get 286 rushing yards like they did in this one.  Favre only attempted 9 passes!  Expect Minnesota’s passing numbers to be up and rush totals down.  Expect better numbers from Big Ben and Hines Ward as well.

Peterson must have been hurt during the game because Chester had more than twice the number of carries.

Parker is listed as the starter on the video game so expect Mendenhall to get those yards.

NE @ TB…

New England playing in old England (This game’s being played in London).

Team Ratings…NE 89 TB 67

Simulated Score…NE 41 TB 10

Player Stats…

Tom Brady 276 yds 4 tds 2 ints                         Byron Leftwich 132 yds 1 td 3 ints

Laurence Maroney 80 rush yds 1 fum…2 rec 16 yds 1 td

Carnell Williams 51 rush yds

Kevin Faulk 8 rush yds                                       Derrick Ward 3 rush yds…1 rec 7 yds

Randy Moss 6 rec 87 yds 1 td                            Antonio Bryant 4 rec 66 yds

Wes Welker 8 rec 129 yds 1 td…122 PR yds

Ben Watson 0                                                        Kellen Winslow 0

The computer obviously hates TEs.

Leftwich is listed as the starter and I’m too lazy to change it.  Besides, Josh Johnson will probably have similar numbers anyway.

Sammy Morris is also still listed as a starter so I gave his stats to Maroney.

Joey Galloway is still on the Patriots roster and had a td in this one so let’s give it to Randy, which would give him 2 (I like that better because I have Randy in 2 leagues).

SF @ HOU…

Michael Crabtree debuts in his home state.

Team Ratings…SF 77 HOU 76

Simulated Score…SF 20 HOU 35

Shaun Hill 165 yds 1 td 1 int        Matt Schaub 151 yds 2 tds 0 ints…65 rush yds 1 td

Frank Gore 87 rush yds…3 rec 65 yds                Steve Slaton 99 rush yds 1 fum

Michael Crabtree 0                                                  Andre Johnson 4 rec 78 yds 1 td

Vernon Davis 3 rec 91 yds 1 td                              Owen Daniels 1 rec 5 yds

Kevin Walter 1 rec 63 yds 1 td

Jacoby Jones 99 PR yds 1 td

4 o’clock games

BUF @ CAR…

Team Ratings…BUF 71 CAR 78

Simulated Score…BUF 13 CAR 20

Ryan Fitzpatrick (Trent Edwards is out this week) 146 yds 1 td

Jake Delhomme 86 yds 0 td 0 int

Marshawn Lynch 27 rush yds

DeAngelo Williams 179 rush yds 1 td…2 rec 25 yds

Fred Jackson 51 rush yds…3 rec 31 yds

Jonathan Stewart 17 rush yds

Lee Evans 3 rec 53 yds                                          Muhsin Muhammad 2 rec 30 yds

Terrell Owens 3 rec 43 yds 1 td                           Steve Smith 1 rec 26 yds

TO is still overrated on the game at 87 overall (out of a possible 100).

NYJ @ OAK…

Team Ratings…NYJ 84 OAK 69

Simulated Score…NYJ 21 OAK 13

Player Stats…

Mark Sanchez 69 yds 1 td 0 ints

JaMarcus Russell 204 yds 1 td 2 ints

Thomas Jones 70 rush yds…1 rec 5 yds

Michael Bush 67 rush yds…1 rec 9 yds

Leon Washington 19 rush yds…1 rec 7ds…30 KR yds…36 PR yds

Justin Fargas 7 rush yds…2 rec 18 yds

Braylon Edwards 2 rec 26 yds 1 td

Darrius Hayward-Bey 4 rec 87 yds

Zach Miller 4 rec 56 yds

Louis Murphy 2 rec 21 yds 1 td

The Jets only scored one offensive td, so they must have had 2 defensive td’s in this one; which is very probable given that Jabooty is the opposing QB.

ATL @ DAL…

Team Ratings…ATL 84 DAL 84

Simulated Score…ATL 21 DAL 24

Player Stats…

Matt Ryan 137 yds 1 td 1 int                                        Tony Romo 194 yds 1 td 4 ints

Michael Turner 77 rush yds…2 rec 11 yds           Marion Barber 38 rush yds

Jerious Norwood 130 KR yds 1 td

Felix Jones 137 rush yds 2 tds…2 rec 16 yds 1 td…53 KR yds

Roddy White 1 rec 11 yds

Miles Austin 4 rec 63 yds…77 KR yds

Tony Gonzalez 0                                               Jason Witten 1 rec 13 yds

Brian Finneran 2 rec 86 yds 1 td                  Patrick Crayton 4 rec 50 yds…25 PR yds

Boost up ATL’s passing stats – Ryan, Roddy and T-Gonz – for the real game Sunday.

CHI @ CIN…

Between Benson being blackballed and  the Ochocinco/Jay Cutler tweet war, there has been plenty of trash talking in anticipation of Sunday’s showdown.

Team Ratings…CHI 80 CIN 79

Simulated Score…CHI 31 CIN 14

Player Stats…

Jay Cutler 225 yds 2 tds 1 int…30 rush yds           Carson Palmer 62 yds 0 tds 3 ints

Matt Forte 150 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 10 yds

Cedric Benson 118 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 8 yds

Devin Hester 4 rush yds…2 rec 74 yds 1 td…35 KR yds

Chad Ochocinco 2 rec 16 yds

Johnny Knox 5 rec 58 yds                                         Andre Caldwell 0

(Rashied Davis had 5 rec for 58 yds.  I gave his stats to Johnny Knox.)

Greg Olsen 3 rec 31 yds 1 td                                       Chris Henry 1 rec 22 yds

Expect better numbers from the Bengals’ passing game (Carson, Ocho and Caldwell).

NO @ MIA…

Team Ratings…NO 87 MIA 77

Simulated Score…NO 24 MIA 31

Player Stats…

Drew Brees 330 yds 2 tds 1 int                               Chad Henne 105 yds 1 td 1 int

Pierre Thomas 46 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 15 yds…55 KR yds

Ronnie Brown 282 rush yds 2 tds

Mike Bell 0                                                                  Ricky Williams 15 rush yds

Reggie Bush 5 rush yds…1 rec 9 yds…8 PR yds

Ted Ginn Jr 3 rec 58 yds…150 KR yds 1 td

Marques Colston 7 rec 116 yds 1 td                       Lousaka Polite (FB) 1 rec 8 yds 1 td

Lance Moore 1 rec 10 yds

Devery Henderson 3 rec 60 yds

Robert Meachem 3 rec 37 yds

Jeremy Shockey 0

You know what really makes Madden’s dick hard?  The ‘Fins Catfish offense!  Ronnie will not hang 282 on the Saints D.

You know what else gets his dick hard?  Return tds.  There have been a ton in these simulated games.

ARI @ NYG…

The mentor vs the pupil (Kurt Warner played with the G-men when Eli was drafted).

Team Ratings…ARI 84 NYG 92

Simulated Score…ARI 35 NYG 28

Player Stats…

Kurt Warner 339 yds 3 tds 0 ints                      Eli Manning 249 yds 1 td 0 ints 1 fum

Tim Hightower 61 rush yds 1 td…2 rec 19 yds

Brandon Jacobs 48 rush yds 1 td

Beanie Wells 45 rush yds                                     Ahmad Bradshaw 132 KR yds 1 td

Larry Fitzgerald 3 rec 76 yds 1 td                       Mario Manningham 3 rec 48 yds

Anquan Boldin 4 rec 33 yds                                 Steve Smith 8 rec 97 yds 1 td

Steve Breaston 4 rec 114 yds 1 td                         Hakeem Nicks 2 rec 17 yds

Bradshaw with a donut in both rushing and receiving yards?  I don’t think so.

MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL

PHI @ WAS…

The Iggles – with all their talent – lost to the Raiders last week.  Jim Zorn’s still the head coach, but Sherm Lewis is calling the plays in the nation’s capital now.  You can’t look away from a train wreck, and both teams look like one right now; so I guess I’m watching this one Monday night.

Team Ratings…PHI 90 WAS 75

Simulated Score…PHI 24 WAS 17

Player Stats…

Donovan McNabb 153 yds 1 td 0 ints           Jason Campbell 211 yds 1 td 3 ints

Brian Westbrook 42 rush yds…1 rec 11 yds

Clinton Portis 107 rush yds…3 rec 46 yds

DeSean Jackson 3 rec 69 yds…36 KR yds…25 PR yds

Jeremy Maclin 4 rec 42 yds                             Santana Moss 4 rec 79 yds 1 td

Brent Celek 1 rec 1 yd                                        Chris Cooley 1 rec 16 yds

LeSean McCoy 92 rush yds 1 td…1 rec 7ds 1 td

Give McNabb a few more passing yards and swap Westbrook’s and McCoy’s stats, and this one should be dead on.

There you have it.  Your fantasy stat predictions for week 7.  This is fantasy football son!  It’s important.  And in honor of all the Snickers’ advertisements in this year’s version of Madden, always remember to PREPARE FOR CHOMPETITION, CHEWS WISELY AND PLAY LIKE A CHOMPION.

It’s time the Dolphins offense got a new nickname…the Catfish!

The Dolphins didn’t originate the offense, it started in high school.  However, the ‘Fins have brought it to the highest level of football and-with Ricky and Ronnie in the backfield-have made it their own.  They used it to perfection to beat a tough Jets squad Monday night.  Currently, it’s called the Wildcat.  But Dolphins swim.  For that reason, I say we combine the cat with the marine mammal and call it the Catfish!  I know a dolphin is not a fish, but the Catfish sounds way better than the Cat-Mammal.  And just look at that image above.  I would much rather see a wildcat coming my way than to have that damnation submarining towards me.

Bell Biv Devoe taught us that Ricky (left) and Ronnie (middle) could be successful together.  That Catfish is poison!

Due to time constraints, this weeks preview will be a little different.  For each game I’m only going to list the players that I like to have big games this week.  Here’s the measuring stick…

QB’s…300+ yards and/or 3+ td’s

RB’s…100+ total yards and/or 2+ td’s

WR’s…100+ yards and/or 2+ td’s

TE’s…100+ yards and/or 1+ td’s

1 O’Clock games

Houston @ Cincinnati…

Andre the Johnson, Owen Daniels

Cedric ‘quicksand legs’ Benson

Detroit @ Green Bay…

Aaron Rodgers, Greg Jennings

Baltimore @ Minnesota…

Ray Rice

Brett Favre

NY Giants @ New Orleans…

Eli Manning, Mario Manningham

Cleveland @ Pittsburgh…

Hines Ward, Rashard Mendenhall

Carolina @ Tampa Bay…

DeAngelo Williams, Steve Smith

Cadillac Williams, Kellen Winslow

Kansas City @ Washington…

Clinton Portis,  Chris Cooley

Note:  Former Redskin John Riggins rips Jim Zorn in this video.

St. Louis @ Jacksonville…

Steven Jackson

Maurice Jones-Drew (threw Reggie Bush under the bus), Mike Sims-Walker (missed last week’s game to get some ass!)

4 O’Clock games

Arizona @ Seattle…

Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald

Matt Hasselbeck, Nate Burleson

Philadelphia @ Oakland…

Donovan McNabb, Brian Westbrook, DeSean Jackson

Tennessee @ New England…

Chris Johnson

Tom Brady, Randy Moss

Buffalo @ NY Jets…

Thomas Jones, Braylon Edwards

Sunday night game

Chicago @ Atlanta…

Matt Forte, Greg Olsen

Michael Turner, Tony Gonzalez

Monday Night Football

Denver @ San Diego…

Knowshon Moreno, Brandon Marshall

Antonio Gates

Team D/ST…

The following are team defenses/special teams I would start this week…Packers, Steelers, Eagles and Jets.

Upset Predictions…Giants over Saints, Bears over Falcons and Broncos over Chargers

Last week it was all about the numbers.  This week I’m going with my gut!

1 O’Clock games

Cleveland @ Buffalo…My gut tells me shitty game to watch, but then my brain reminded me of the Browns taking the Bengals to the last minute of overtime before blowing their load last week.  Ok, this is still gonna be a shitty game.  No Braylon Edwards.  He was traded to the Jets following an incident with LeBron’s skinny wodie.  If you haven’t heard, you can read about it here.  Now let’s take a look at the fantasy players…

Derek Anderson…Don’t even think about it!  He was good in ‘07, but this is ‘09.     

Mohamed Massaquoi…He had 1 huge game and then they traded Braylon.  Makes sense to pick him up right?  Um, no.  It’s still the Browns man!

Jerome Harrison…Buffalo’s weakness is run D.  How do I know this?  They held Brees in check but still got stampeded by Pierre Thomas and then they lost to the Dolphins last week who probably ran the Wildcat the whole game…Growl! Growl!  Harrison will have some value in this game.  Use him if you don’t have a better option.

Browns D/ST…Ha!  Very funny.  Don’t be stupid.

Trent Edwards…Too inconsistent.  Hasn’t shown me enough this year to warrant a start.

TO…How’s that saying go?  The WR doesn’t fall far from the QB, or something like that.  Anyway, you can see where I’m going with this one.  Avoid Terrible Owens.

Marshawn Lynch…Beast mode will be back this week!

Fred Jackson…Beast mode jr. will be back this week!  I think Marshawn has the better game but Fred will do enough to warrant a flex start this week.

Lee Evans…see TO above.

Buffalo D/ST…When the Browns come to town, the opposing defense is almost always a good option.  Unless, of course, it’s the Bills.

Braylon Edwards 

Dallas @ Kansas City…OK team vs. bad team.  Dallas seems to be a Jekyll and Hyde team right now.  They win 1, lose 1.  They lost last week, so they should bounce back against the winless Chiefs.  

Tony Romo…He’ll have a good game against the Chiefs and you’re going to start him this week if you drafted him, but I don’t think he puts up huge numbers.  No 300 yard game for Tony.   

Marion Barber…He’s got a quad injury that limited him in the 2nd half last week and I never like players coming off an injury.  Monitor reports and if his status improves then roll with the Barbarian because there should be plenty of yards to go around against KC.

Tashard Choice…My choice for best fantasy day for a Cowboy is Tashard.

Jason Witten…Wake up son!  You’re on 1 of my fantasy teams and we could use the help.  Looks like getting rid of TO may have hurt your fantasy value.  But alas, the captain must go down with the fantasy ship, so I’m starting him this week. 

Roy Williams…Broken ribs.  Broken hands.  Stay clear of Roy.

Patrick Crayton…He could have a decent game this week but I’m going to put my faith in Witten being the ‘Boys’ leading receiver.

Dallas D/ST…This would be a good week to start them.

Minnesota @ St. Louis…BLOWOUT!  Man, Brett sure looked good Monday night.  He was throwing bee stings all over the place.  Now the Rams on the other hand…this article is about my gut feelings and watching the Rams gives me the bubble guts (see image below).

Brett Favre…I’ve got Aaron Rodgers in 1 league and since he’s on bye I picked up Favre on the waiver wire for $6 (That’s fantasy money, not real money).  How ironic is that?  In the real world of football Favre and Rodgers would never be on the same team.  But in fantasy world, they don’t have a choice.  Does that make me a fantasy god?  If my teams wins, then yes it does. 

Adrian Peterson…Do you really need me to tell you to start AD this week?

Percy Harvin…He had his 1st game without a TD on Monday night.  Not only that, but it appears Rice and Berrian have become Brett’s favorite targets.  Start him if you think he finds the end zone this week but he’s staying put on my bench.

Bernard Berrian…Finally showed some signs of life against the Pack.  I have a feeling there will be a play-action fake followed by a long throw in this game that will go for a TD to Berrian.

Sidney Rice…Picked him up on the waiver wire this week so I’m expecting big things.  Looks to me that he is the most physical presence at receiver the Vike’s have so he should be the possession guy, which means more targets.

Visanthe Shiancoe…U only start him if you think he gets a TD, because he doesn’t get a ton of looks.  I say he won’t this week.

Steven Jackson…This is the only guy you should even consider starting for the Rams, but not this week.  

Rush Limbaugh…Is the league really gonna let this racist bastard become part owner of a team?  Well, it’s the Rams, so it would kinda be like not having a real NFL team, more like a semi-pro team.

Vikings D/ST…San Fran’s defense scored 3 TD’s against the Rush Limbaugh’s last week. 

Dropping your kids off at the pool is a good way to relieve bubble guts.

Oakland @ NY Giants…Another blowout.  Even if Eli can’t go, the G-men should still win easily, they just won’t score as many points.  Oakland is just plain bad and their head coach will probably be charged with felony assault soon. 

Raiders…Starting anyone from this team would be a mistake.

Eli Manning…He sat out practice Wednesday, but his teammates are confident he will play Sunday.  If he plays, then he should have a good game against this sorry defense.

Brandon Jacobs…Start him.

Ahmad Bradshaw…Only if you’re really desperate because he just doesn’t get enough touches.

Steve Smith…Start this fool!  And I mean that in a good way.  Eli was locked in on his #1 target last week.  Did you know he leads the league in receiving so far this year?

Mario Manningham/Hakeem Nicks/Domenik Hixon…Not so sure about these guys.  I’m sitting Manningham this week after starting him last week and watching every pass thrown his way get bobbled.  And again, Eli loves Steve Smith. 

Giants D/ST…Beast mode!  I think the Mortal Kombat guy is going to come out after this game and say, “Flawless Victory”.

Mario Manningham needs his own bobble-hands doll.

Tampa Bay @ Philadelphia…Very bad team vs. good team.  Good way to start your comeback tour if you’re McNabb.

Josh Johnson…I would start Edelman over him at QB.  Edelman is a WR/QB for the Patriots.

Carnell ‘Cadillac’ Williams…Cadillac could have a decent game if Derrick Ward is still out.  Too many question marks for me though.  He’s staying put on my bench.

Derrick Ward…He returned to practice Wednesday but I don’t think he does much even if he does see action Sunday.

Antonio Bryant…Gut tells me no.  Bad offense and he’s facing a good corner this week.

Kellen Winslow…Only if you’re desperate.

Donovan McNabb…I have him.  Let’s hope he can live up to the expectations Kolb has set for him.  Wait, shouldn’t that be the other way around?  Anyway, I like Dono to have a big game Sunday.

Brian Westbrook…He’ back too.  The early season injury has B-West looking like a potential bust.  That remains to be seen, but I like him this week. 

DeSean Jackson…He’s stupid-fast so start him.

Brent ‘Magnum TE’ Celek…He was Kolb’s favorite target, but Kolb’s not playing.  I like him anyway this week.

Eagles D/ST…I tried to pick them up but was outbid by my roommate.  Thx a lot buddy! 

Pittsburgh @ Detroit…Pitt has been up and down this year.  Expect them to be up against the Lions.  Detroit finally ended the streak 2 weeks ago and now they are working on a new one.

Big Ben…Has been a much better fantasy QB than I expected this year.  Will have a big game in the dome.

Rashard Mendenhall…The most popular guy on the waiver wire this week-I’m sure-after a huge game against the Chargers.  If you picked him up then you’re going to start him against the Lions.

Willie Parker…Still has camel turf toe so he’ll stay on my bench this week.

San-Antonio Holmes…It’s the Lions, if you don’t start him this week, then when will you?

Hines Ward…Another strong game last week.  He’s Big Ben’s possession guy.  Expect another good outing from the man with no ACL.

Heath Miller…If you don’t have a better option, then give ’em a shot.  I’ve got T-Gonz in 2 leagues and Witten in 1 so I’m sticking with my big guns.

Willie Parker should have been wearing a camel toe cup, according to Camel Toe Annie.

Matthew Stafford…Unlikely to play Sunday.

Dante Culpepper…Ha!

Kevin Smith…I think LT had like 15 yards last week against Pitt.  Sit Kevi Smith.

Calvin Johnson…Culpepps used to sling ‘em deep to Moss.  I can see Calvin Mossin’ 1 or 2 in this one.  Urban dictionary definition of Mossin…When a group of people are playing football and one person makes a great catch over a defender, in a Randy Moss like fashion.  It can also mean to chill or smoke weed and we all know Randy likes to do both.

Steelers D/ST…They’re facing Culpepps.

Washington @ Carolina…I hate Jim Zorn!  I blame him for Portis not having a great start after I drafted him in 2 leagues because of Zorn’s conservative play-calling.  The Panthers haven’t lived up to expectations either so far this year.  Dammit!  I drafted DeAngelo Williams too.

Jason Campbell…He did me no favors when I picked him up last week because Philly and Kevin Kolb were on bye.  Kerry Collins outperformed him.  Need I say more?

Clinton Portis…I’ve started him the 1st 4 weeks and right now my teams are 3-1, 2-2 and 6th ( out of 8 teams ) in a cumulative points league.  I’m not doing great, but I’m not doing terrible either.  Keep the Porti-John train rollin this week.

Santana Moss…He started for me last week when Anquan Boldin was on bye and did admirably.  Luckily for me, Boldin is back.  I say sit Moss.

Chris Cooley…One thing the ‘Skins have been good at is getting Chris Cooley the ball.  Start ‘em.

Jake Delhomme…John Fox should have gone after Vick.  At this point, Vick seems more valuable than Delhomme in fantasy world because Jake could get you negative points on any given Sunday.

DeAngelo Williams…Let’s see that wildcat John Fox!  Growl!  Growl!  Cadillac had a solid game last week against the ‘Skins, so DeAngelo should do even better right?

Jonathan Stewart…The daily show will not get good ratings this week.

Steve Smith…For some odd reason, John Fox has called more passes than runs so far this year.  I’m guessing it’s because he’s a bad coach.  Anyway, Steve Smith will have a good game in this one.

Cincinnati @ Baltimore…Two 3-1 teams facing off.  Never would have expected that from ‘Natti before the season.  Palmer is winning clutch games and Flacco has been an early season MVP candidate.

Carson Palmer…You can pass on the Ravens.  Carson should have a solid game but I don’t see him putting up 300 yards.

Cedric Benson…You can’t run on the Ravens.  Sit Ced B.

Chad Ocho Cinco…Chad always gets up for big games so I would start him this week.

Joe Flacco…or ’Skinny Joe’ in spanish.  The Bengals have been giving up rushing yards lately and I think the Ravens will take advantage of that.  Flacco will manage the game well enough to win but he won’t have 300 yards either.  He could have a couple of TD tosses though.  Start skinny Joe.

Willis McGahee…Ray Rice will get them close and McGahee will vulture his TD’s.

Ray Rice…By getting them close I mean Ray Rice will account for most of the rushing yards.  Start him.

Derrick Mason…Flacco’s favorite target…Derrick Ocho Cinco.  Start him.

Todd Heap…Only start him if you don’t have a better option this week. 

If Flacco was a rapper, he would go by ‘Skinny Joe’.

4 O’Clock games 

Atlanta @ San Francisco…This is a good chance for ATL to prove it belongs among the upper echelon of NFL teams.  The 49ers have an outstanding defense so this one will be interesting.

Matt Ryan…I know you can’t run on the 49ers so Ryan will be forced to throw in this one.  I think he has a good game.  Don’t expect 300 yards but Ryan should throw atleast 2 td’s.

Michael Turner…’Burner’ Turner, meet Patrick Willis.  Fantasy owners, sit Turner.

Roddy White…This would be a good game to start Roddy.  He has a tough matchup with Nate Clements but I think he can find the end zone and maybe a deep ball from Ryan as well.

Tony Gonzalez…Patrick Willis can’t shutdown Turner and cover T-Gonz, can he?  I think SS Michael Lewis will draw most of the cover duties on T-Gonz so start him with confidence this week. 

Shaun Hill…He’s quietly having a very efficient year.  He’s not turning the ball over and the 49ers are 3-1.  But he’s also no fantasy stud so I wouldn’t recommend starting him.

Glen Coffee…Fred Taylor had 105 yards against ATL in their last game.  For that reason, I like Coffee in this one.  I’m starting him in my flex spot this week.

Vernon Davis…He’s finally living up to all the hype.  Start ‘em.  Plus, the 49ers don’t have a proven threat at WR.

Michael Crabtree…He hasn’t proven himself yet.  Proceed with caution.

Jacksonville @ Seattle…Jack ‘Of The River’ (Del Rio means ‘of the river’ in spanish) got his team back to .500 ball with a win last week.  The only team Seattle has beat this year is St. Louis.   

David Garrard…I almost picked him up last week to replace Aaron Rodgers.  I put $4 on him and $6 on Brett.  I ended up with Brett but I might be kickin myself and short 2 bucks if he has a better game this week.  Anyway, start ‘em.

Maurice Jones-Drew…I said sit MoJo last week and he finished with 14 rushing yards.  I’m not gonna say that again this week.  He might have 214 against the Seahawks.

Mike Sims-Walker…I said start Mike last week and he had a huge game with 2 bee stings (td’s).  I like Garrard this week and this is his #1 target.  Start ‘em.

Matt Hasselbeck…Hasselbeck is practicing again and is expected to play Sunday.  My recommendation would be to start ‘em because Kerry Collins put up 20 fantasy points against that Jags D last week.

Julius Jones…The Jags have been solid against the run so I don’t like Julius this week.

TJ Houshmandzadeh…Had his 1st 100-yard game last week but that was with Seneca at QB.  Sit TJ this week.

Nate Burleson…His only TD of the season came week 1 when Matt was at QB.  If you need a flex and don’t have a better option, go with Nasty Nate this week.  Note:  If Burleson is Nasty Nate, does that make TJ the Squirrel Master?

John Carlson…His production has dropped since Hasselbeck got hurt.  Matt’s return should mean a good game for Carlson.

Looks like Jack is not the only famous person ‘of the river’.

Houston @ Arizona…I thought the 4th of July already passed?  Somebody better call the cops, because there will be plenty of fireworks in this one!

Matt Shaub…The Cards run D has been solid.  Shaub will be forced to pass and he will put up numbers.  If Matt Shaub was a rapper, his freestyle would go like this, “You ain’t gotta wonder on how I’m working wonders, cuz b**** I do numbers.”

Steve Slaton…See Matt Shaub above.  Sit Slaton.

Andre the Johnson…He’s going to try to prove that he’s the best receiver in the league; not Fitz.  Start ‘em.

Owen Daniels…Quietly a very productive player.  Start ‘em.

Kevin Walter/Jacoby Jones…If this is a fireworks show, then these guys would be sparklers.  Sit ‘em.

Kurt Warner…Old QB’s have been on fire this year (Favre, Manning).  That trend will continue Sunday and Kurt will have a big game.

Tim Hightower…Houston’s D is bad, but the Cards are a passing team.  I think Hightower has a solid game this week.  I don’t see 100 yards but he could have 80 and a td.

Beanie Wells…What has he done to warrant a start?

Larry Fitzgerald…How can you doubt Jaguar Paw?  Is it just me, or does Fitz look like the guy from Apocalypto?

I don’t think anybody ever called Fitz ‘almost’.  Maybe the Steelers last year after the Super Bowl.

Anquan Boldin…I have Fitz and Boldin together on the same team!  I’m starting both of ‘em this week and if you have either, you should do the same.

Steve Breaston…Sparkler.  Sit ‘em. 

Kevin Walter, Jacoby Jones and Steve Breaston.

New England @ Denver…Who would have thought that the Broncos would have a better record than the Patriots after 4 weeks?

Tom Brady…When is Tom going to have a breakout game?  Not this week.  The Broncos D is solid.  If you don’t believe me, ask Tony Romo.  That’s not to say Brady won’t have any TD passes, just not 300 yards. 

Fred Taylor…Taylor needs surgery.  So who will step up and be the guy in the Pats backfield?  Not ‘My Little Maroney’.  He has the most carries of any of their backs, but he’s not good, plain and simple.  Kevin Faulk is the 3rd down guy.  That leaves BenJarvis and Sammy Morris.  My gut tells me Sammy will see the most production over the long term but I don’t like any of these guys against the Broncos.  Note:  The Pats should name their backfield after the restaurant chain…Five Guys.  Or Four Guys and a Pony.  

Randy Moss…Randy makes me dandy.  What more do you need to know?

Wes Welker…The slot machine has been losing Brady a lot of money lately; figuratively speaking of course because we all know Brady is paid.  What I mean by that is he hasn’t been playing and when he did return last week he was ineffective.  Add that to the fact that he was limited in practice Thursday and I say no jackpot Sunday.  Sit Welker.   

Kyle Orton…No INT’s so far this year and last week he actually had a decent fantasy game.  Although, that catch-and-run by Marshall to beat the Cowboys was 5% Orton and 95% Marshall.  Belichick has a way of confusing QB’s, but Broncos head coach Josh McDaniels is from the school of Belichick and he will be definitely be looking to kill Bill.  What does all that mean?  It means don’t start Orton because you don’t know what to expect. 

Knowshon Moreno…I know ‘Shon is starting on 2 of my fantasy teams this week.  Correll Buckhalter-top is unlikely to play Sunday so I think Moreno could have a pretty good day.  The Broncos are quietly one of the better rushing teams in the league this year. 

Brandon Marshall…I like Marshall this week.  Mason had a nice fantasy day last week against the Pats, so why can’t Marshall?

From left to right:  Denver, Dallas, Oakland, Cleveland and Cincinnati.  The last 4 are the teams the Broncos have killed so far on their way to Bill (Belichick). 

Sunday night game

Indianapolis @ Tennessee…Peyton Manning has never looked better.  His team is currently riding a 13-game regular season winning streak.  The Titans-if you count the playoff loss to B-more last year-are currently on a 6-game losing streak.  The loss of Jim Schwartz as defensive coordinator has really hurt the Titans this year.

Peyton Manning…David Garrard was in beast mode last week against the Titans.  I guess that means Peyton Manning will be in Wolverine/Professor-X mode Sunday night.

Joseph Addai…10-a-key can’t stop the pass.  They’re pretty solid against the run, so live and let Addai.  Sit Joseph.

Reggie Wayne…If you got ‘em, you’re starting him this week.  You don’t need me to tell you that.

Dallas Clark…See Reggie Wayne above.

Pierre Garcon…I refuse to start a french waiter, but he might have flex value this week.  Start ‘em if you don’t have a better option.

Professor-X…His head even kinda looks like Peyton’s a little bit.

Kerry Collins…Head coach Jeff Fisher is sticking with Collins.  I guess the captain must go down with his ship.  Or maybe the captain knows that his other option-Vince Young-is a canoe with giant holes in it.  Anyway, sit Kerry.

Chris Johnson…He looks like 1 of the guys from Milli Vanilli, but plays more like the real McCoy.  Start ‘em. 

Nate Washington…He’s everybody’s flavor of the week after catching a TD pass in each of the last 3 games.  Of all my favorite flavors, ’shitty Titan’ is not 1 of them, so sit ‘em.

Monday Night Football

NY Jets @ Miami…Defense vs. Wildcat.  Growl!  Growl!  Miami will run their wildcat offense and the Jets D will make it look more like the house cat.  Meow.

Mark Sanchez…Had his 1st bad game last week.  I say he has a short memory, but I still wouldn’t start him on any of my fantasy teams.

Thomas Jones…Miami is solid against the run.  Sit TJ.

Leon Washington…He’s got beef with Channing Crowder, the same man who didn’t know that people speak English in London.  I say don’t worry about the beef.  Crowder probably won’t be able to remember Leon’s jersey number.  I’m starting him this week in a league that rewards for return yards but I’m not so sure I would in a standard league.  Start him in your flex spot if you don’t have a better option this week.   

Jerricho Cotchery…He has an injury but if he plays start ‘em.  His least productive game of the season was last week when he had 5 catches for 71 yards.

Dustin Keller…Hasn’t been a big part of the offense the last 2 games which means he should not be part of your fantasy team this week.

Braylon Edwards…A real baboon’s ass to be sure (see image below).  I think the Jets will use their new toy as a decoy, a la Mike Vick.  Sit Braylon.

Maybe Braylon should apologize to LeBron by saying those 3 magical words. 

Note:  For the Dolphins this week I’m using txt lingo…

Chad Henne…LOL!

Ronnie Brown…BYTM (Better you than me)

Ricky Williams…420 (Lets get high)

Ted Ginn Jr…LTNS (Long time no see)

Sit all Dolphins!

Jets D/ST…GGMSOT (Gotta get me some of that)

Survivor Pick…Cowboys over Chiefs.  If you’ve already used the ‘Boys then go with Vikings over Rams or Giants over Raiders.

Gut upset prediction…Jaguars over Seahawks.